Breaking Free
by teammaddison
Summary: After leaving her abusive husband Addison has to learn to manage the physical and emotional tolls of his abuse long after she's left. Trigger Warning: Rated M for mature. Deals with mature topics such as abuse, self-harm, suicide attempts, depression, etc. Addison, Mark, Arizona, Derek, Meredith etc. With some other characters here and there. Please feel free to R R : ).
1. Chapter 1

**Title** Breaking Free

 **Author** : TeamMaddison

 **AU** : AU means alternate universe. This to my knowledge did not happen in the show or in the shows spin offs. Rated as it is because this story explores topics such as strong language, domestic violence, depression, PTSD, self harm, and attempted suicide.

 **Rated** : M for mature just to be on the safe side due to the above listed themes.

 **Disclaimer** : As much as I would love to I do not own Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, or any of the characters from either show. I am simply a fan.

 **Chapter 1:**

"I'm still in love with you. I tried not to be and it didn't work." Mark Sloan stood outside her doorway and handed her roses. His eyes locked on hers. He reached out and gently caressed her cheek, pushing her auburn hair out of her face and exposing the black eye she had desperately tried to hide with make up. It wasn't the first time he saw bruises on her and every time he saw a new one it felt as if his heart was being stabbed with a knife. Almost nothing surprised him anymore.

" Mark you have to go. He'll be home soon." She said taking the roses and pressing them to her nose, breathing in deeply.

"I'm not leaving without you." He declared. "He won't stop until you're dead."

"Mark please..." She begged knowing Derek's wrath would be so much worse if found out he had been by. She brought her hand to her head and ran her fingers through her hair, cringing when she touched the knot from where Derek slammed her head into the wall the night before.

"Him hurting you is killing me." Mark confessed. "Let me protect you. He'll never touch you again." He promised. When he first found Derek was hurting Addison he punched him so hard that Derek ended up on the floor of the hospital with a broken jaw. Things had been better for Addison for a while after that. He had almost convinced her to leave Derek and get her life back, but Derek managed to drag her back in with apologies, counseling, and promises of change that never happened.

"I can't… Mark you know why I can't. " She would love to be able to leave and run away from the hands that hurt her every night. She knew she could never escape though, and after years of abuse she had come to believe that she deserved his anger. If only she hadn't ran her mouth. If only she had been home from work on time. If only she had folded the towels and arranged the kitchen pantry correctly. He wouldn't be so angry. He wouldn't hurt her.

"Addie this isn't love." She could hear the desperate raw pain in his voice, as it cracked. She knew he was trying to keep his composure. "Love shouldn't hurt, not like this." He gestured at her arms which he knew was covered in bruises, and scars from her self harm. Why else would she be wearing long sleeves in the middle of a record summer heat wave? "You don't deserve to be hurt.

Her bright blue eyes flooded with tears she was unable to control. Quickly she looked down at the ground. "I deserve that and so much more." She mumbled stepping outside the door and sinking down to the ground, resting her head in her knees. He sat down beside her and looked around at the beautiful land and the marvelous house that Derek had built just for Addison. She thought she was getting her happy ever after. The thing about happy ever afters though is that they don't exist. Not like they do in the fairytales anyway.

"You deserve to be happy." He countered. "This isn't that."

"What do you want from me Mark?" She asked knowing that things would never be the same between them, they would never be back to the way they were.

"I just want you to be happy… I want you to be safe. I want you to not have to live every second of your life in fear." He said honestly. Right now re establishing their past relationship was the last thing on her mind. Yes he was in love with her. But love is something gentle and fragile. It can't be forced. It would either happen or it wouldn't. He was willing to take that sacrifice if he could just know she was safe and not slashing her wrists or getting beaten to a bloody pulp every night. There are different ways to love.

"I really am fine Mark." She insisted. "I don't need you to rescue me."

"You just keep telling yourself that." He said with a tiny smirk.

"I have this under control." She insisted.

"If you have control take control. Get your purse. Let's get you somewhere safe." He searched her eyes for understanding that he is challenging her.

"Ok" she whispered her voice sounded as if it were coming from someone else as she stood up and numbly walking inside, trying to appear braver than she felt. Like her entire world was not collapsing around her.. She grabbed her purse and walked back outside locking the door behind her. Being with Derek was hell. Not being with Derek was equally as terrifying.

"Ok." He said opening the car door for her and helping her inside. It was a small victory. Baby steps in getting her freedom back. Baby steps in re establishing her self worth and confidence. Baby steps in helping her take this tragedy that she calls a life and become stronger than she ever had been before… ….


	2. Chapter 2

**Title** : Breaking Free

 **Author** : TeamMaddison

 **AU** : AU means alternate universe. This to my knowledge did not happen in the show or in the shows spin offs. Rated as it is because this story explores topics such as strong language, domestic violence, depression, PTSD, self harm, and attempted suicide.

 **Rated** : M for mature just to be on the safe side due to the above listed themes.

 **Disclaimer** : As much as I would love to I do not own Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, or any of the characters from either show. I am simply a fan.

 **Authors Note** :

 _* Flashbacks in this chapter occurred while Addison was in New York with Mark. Addison stayed with Mark for 1 year before moving to Seattle to be with Derek.*_

 **Chapter 2:**

"Oh Addison." Mark breathed. He stood for a second looking at the scene before him. Addison was all but passed out on the bathroom floor. It was evident she had been throwing up and there was a empty wine bottle and a bottle of tequila on the floor next to her. 'OK not a completely unreasonable thing to have after what she's been through' he reasoned with himself. He walked over to help her back into bed when he realized something was off. There was a small pocket knife on the floor with blood on it. He looked closer. Her pajamas were positioned in just he right way that he could see three angry gashes on her hip bone. His heart sank when he realized what she had done to herself, he sighed, knowing some addictions cannot be tamed just by changing the person's environment.

"Addison can you hear me?" He asked. As he quickly checked his pulse and satisfied himself that she was indeed alive and the gashes although deep were not life threatening.

"I'm fine." She mumbled stirring a little.

"You're hurting." He said as he scooped her up into his arms. She was too weak to object and rested her head on his shoulder as he carried her back to her bed in the spare bedroom. "You need me."

"I don't need you." She objected, waking up fully, but her head was spinning he knows she can't be trusted to have the best judgement when she's drunk. Mark laid her on her side in the bed, grabbed his medical bag, and began to clean and suture the cuts.

"I'm sorry this is going to hurt a bit." He didn't have anything to numb the pain. She looked up at him and rolled her eyes and gave a weak laugh as the wound was sanitized of all germs, but however hard she tried her face couldn't hide the pain as he began to sew her back together. She was quiet for a long time watching him and then:

"You look really sexy when you suture."….her words slurring. Mark smiled at her chuckling a little as he finished the last tiny stitch and taped on a sterile dressing before putting his tools away and sitting next to her..

She sat up and leaned into him gently kissing his lips. He could taste the sweet alcohol on her breath, but he kissed her back. Not stopping her when the kisses became slower, deeper,and more passionate .Maybe it was out of old habits. Maybe because he was lonely too. Maybe because their bodies had always fit together just right when embraced. Maybe because she was broken and hurting and he just wanted to make her pain go away. Even for second. That precious second before better judgement kicks in and you know there is no excuses to justify what you're doing..

"I'm so sorry Red." He said as they broke apart and horrible guilty realization kicked in. "We can't do this. Not now. Not like this." This. He'd love to be doing this. But the circumstances were all wrong. She was injured, and it was probably a minor miracle she hasn't yet fallen victim to alcohol poisoning. He should have been there. He should have stayed home from work. He should have… What exactly? She told him to go to work. He was only honoring her request wasn't he? No. He should have stayed.

"Mark I'm fine…." She stammered, but fell silent shortly after as she didn't really know what else to say. This is what they've always done, but now it's different. She was different. Derek had changed them. How many times had she said she was fine over the years, when truly she was falling apart inside? Too many to count.

"shhh." He said pressing his finger to her lips. "You don't know what you're saying.." He said. His voice coming across blunter than he would have liked. In remorse he gently pulls her closer to him and lets her lean against him. Slowly stroking her hair. "You need to rest."

"I can't… rest I mean…I have a problem." Her voice quiet the words falling from her lips before she could stop them.

"Oh yeah? What would that be?" He asked gently, his tone light. He could see several potential problems she had, drinking problem, self harm problem, husband is an abusive dick problem to name a few. He decided that his list was best left unsaid. She buries her face into his shoulder a little. Taking in the sweet smell of his body wash. Closing her eyes and breathing deep. Stalling.

"I'm pregnant." She said barely audible. "I'd rather be dead." Even through the booze it was evident how truly miserable she was confessing this.

His blood ran cold. He couldn't have heard her properly. How could he not have known? He could have done something. Anything. Before he could say anything his mind flashed back to another time…. Another pregnancy.

 ***FLASHBACK***

" _Addison I know you think it's only your choice but PLEASE just think about it. We could be a family. A real family. " Mark pleaded. His voice raw with emotion._

 _"I can't do this Mark." She said as she walked around the bedroom and bathroom, carelessly throwing some clothes and other personal items into an overnight bag._

 _"You can. We can together."_

 _"You don't want to raise a family Mark. You want to trump Derek. You want to win."_

 _"Addison…." He had thought on that a moment. She always had romanticized Derek over him. It didn't matter how horridly Derek treated her. She always ran back to him. She never had realized that all he had ever done was try to love her, to protect her._

 _"Please just forget I ever said anything?"_

 _"Forget? Forget? Addison that's my baby in there! Our baby! How could I forget that you want to abort our baby?" His voice cracked, and his eyes shone with unshed tears. She looked at him almost sympathetically._

 _" Maybe forget isn't the BEST choice of words." She admitted._

 _"You're damn right it isn't."_

 _"Mark I…"_

 _"Do you even want a baby?" He asks her grief turning to anger._

 _"I want a baby Mark I do. You know that."_

 _"No." He said trying his hardest to not loose control.. "I am not talking about A baby. I'm talking about THIS baby. OUR baby."_

 _Addison looked down. Ashamed. Unable to answer. She didn't. Not then. As horrible as their relationship had always been she wanted Derek. She wanted Derek's baby. She wasn't ready to move on. Her hands moved sub cautiously to her tiny baby bump. She felt like she was going to be sick. When did she become this much of a screw up? No matter what choice she made someone would be getting hurt._

 _"That's great Addison…. Just great." Disappointment. She hated when he used his disappointed tone with her. It felt like she was being scolded._

 _"I'm sorry. You're right. We'll make it work." She said giving in. Out of guilt more than anything else. "I just… I need some time." Time for what? She didn't know. She saw the hurt in his eyes. She saw how much he desperately wanted this baby. She saw how his eyes lit up when she told him. How his face filled with joy as he presented her with that insane Yankees onesie, and a calendar with the baby's due date marked. Standing in front of him she felt like the worst human being on the face of the earth._

 _"Some time." He said…his tone a little more understanding. "Ok..." His voice calmer now._

 _"Ok." She whispered as he pulled her into his embrace and sank down on the bed with her. Holding her safe as the tears came and the sobs shook her body._

 ***END FLASHBACK***

" Do you think things would be different if Ella had survived?" He asked her, his voice gentle.

"I don't want to talk about this" She started and then "I should have died with her."

"No…. Baby you survived that accident for a reason." He said firmly.

Addison catches her breath to try and hold back tears as she thinks of that horrible night that haunts her nightmares.

 ***FLASHBACK***

 _She was 6 months initial impact of the two cars. Being slammed against the seatbelt and into the steering wheel so hard that she felt a ripping sensation in her abdomen and pain beyond anything she could have ever imagined. She knew even before she started bleeding that the accident had caused a placental abruption. Her diagnosis confirmed when she felt the gush of blood and fluid she felt as her water broke. The instant of grief and knowing that the baby was gone moments before the second car hit, and she passed out. The guilt of waking up in the hospital two weeks later feeling the emptiness in her abdomen. The guilt of being, alive and knowing she couldn't have done anything to protect the baby. The pain of never getting to hold her little girl in her arms, never getting to say goodbye._

 ***END FLASHBACK***

"Maybe." She whispered. "Things were going to be different." She said finally.

"They were. You would have been happier. We would have been a family. You'd never have gone back to Derek's abuse. I could have saved you." He whispered the last part. Not meaning to say it. But there it was. Word vomit.

"Thing's aren't different though.." She said sadly.

 ***FLASHBACK***

 _She had been heavily sedated in a medically induced coma due to her injuries. They were worried waking her would cause too much strain on her body as it recovered from the lifesaving surgeries that had to be done including an emergency c section to remove the lifeless baby from her mother's body. They were concerned that she would not be able to handle the physical and emotional pain of the whole ordeal._

 _Mark had arranged a photographer to come in from Now I lay me down to sleep. At some point between the emergency c section and the other surgeries they managed to get pictures of Ella. They got a picture of the too tiny Ella laying next to her. In this image they really could have just been sleeping. If only things had been different._

 _He knew she kept a miniature version of this picture and a picture of Ella's face tucked away in the locket that she always wore around her neck._

 _Derek has never found out about any of this. He just thought his adulterous whore of a wife had stayed with Mark after he had caught her and Mark together. He didn't care enough to call and check on her or find out things were anything other than perfect._

 ***END FLASHBACK***

"It's only been 2 years since the accident Addison." He said carefully. "It takes time." As much as he hated to admit it he had to have extensive therapy after they had lost the baby. He knew Addison hadn't been able to receive the same. Not to the level that he had. They couldn't face each other. Both lost in their own grief. The moment she had been given the all clear she left and returned to Seattle. To Derek. To the place where she could burry Ella's memory down deep and pretend as if she had never existed.

"I don't want this baby." She said. Her eyes filled with pain and hatred.

"I know." He said simply. "Do you have a plan?" He wanted to add other than drinking yourself to death. But he didn't, because tact. He didn't understand how he could be so calm now that it is her abusers baby, but nearly lost his shit when it was his. Still he knew that being forced to carry her abusers baby to term against her will could do her more harm than good.

"No."

"I'll help you. We'll figure out what to do together." He said as he stroked her beautiful red hair.

"You will?". She asked timidly.

"I will." He confirmed. "You should know after all these years that I'll always be here for you." She nodded, unable to stop the exhaustion as she fell to sleep, for the first time in forever feeling safe in someone's arms.

 ***Authors note***

Thank you for reading chapter 2 of Breaking Free. Please feel free to leave comments, questions, reviews, and suggestion if you'd like.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

Mark awoke to the sweet smell of Addison's shampoo on his pillow. He opened his eyes slowly, not fully awake, sure that it was a dream. All too soon the events of the night before came back to him and he saw her bruised fragile body snuggled close to his. At some point during the night she had left the guest bedroom and climbed under the covers, seeking his warmth and comfort. Why had she not waken him? Was his body so used to hers even after all this time that her joining him in bed was as natural and comfortable as breathing?

"You're so beautiful." He whispered gently kissing her unbruised cheek. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked up at him momentarily confused. Her body visibly tensed in fear and then relaxed when she remembered that she was somewhere safe.

"What happened?" She asked. The events of the night before a huge confusing blank in her mind. Some clear, others not so much.

"Oh Addie." Mark whispered. Replaying the nights events over and over trying to find the words to explain.

"Did I get really drunk and sad and beg you to have sex with me?" She asked.

It was Mark's turn to look confused now. He gave her a sad smile before replying:

"I wish it was that simple. Do you remember anything from last night?"

She shook her head slowly, remembering, but trying not to remember, then stopped as the urge to vomit almost overpowered her. He pulled her close and stroked her hair, careful not to hurt her. Painfully aware of everything that has happened, and her limitations that she tried so hard to hide from the world.

"You could have died last night." His voice was a little harsher and more accusing than he intended it to be. She tensed at his tone and he immediately apologized. "I'm sorry I just….." he trailed off at a loss for words. "I'm scared for you Addison."

"I'm fine. I have this under control. Last night was an accident." She said, but they both knew that that was anything but true.

"Look… I knew you wouldn't want to go to the hospital so I cleaned and sutured your cuts, but we need to talk about the baby…. If Derek finds out he will kill you."

"Let him." She said offhandedly. Her voice cold, numb, so unlike her normally. When had she changed? Had it always been this bad? He tried to pinpoint an exact moment in the last eleven years she had been married to Derek, but he couldn't. It must have been a gradual change, but now that he's looking at her, remembering who she once was it seems sudden, all at once, tragic and devastating.

"Addison…" She didn't mean that. She couldn't mean that. He looked into her eyes and saw something he wasn't expecting. Blankness. Numbness to match her tone. That sparkle, the life, the hope and the joy all gone. She was not fine. There was nothing fine about this.

"I shouldn't be here." She said starting to get up, better sense taking over and fear starting to overwhelm her. Sure she was safe, but for how long and at what cost?

"Please stay." Mark requested, unsure what else to do. He knew that he couldn't force her to stay, it would have to be her choice.

"You're not safe." She whispered as tears fell down her cheeks. "I'm not safe." She sub cautiously moved her hands over her too small tummy. She hated herself, but more than that she hated the life that was growing inside of her. She had contributed her lack of period and nausea to the stress of being in an abusive relationship. She had actually lost weight due to not being able to eat properly. She was not anymore tired or in pain than usual. She thought back to the week before when she had peed on a stick and secretly had the ultrasound that confirmed she was 24 weeks pregnant, not 4. She knew she was sick, and endangering the baby with the drinking and the self harm. She knew she was doing the baby a disservice, but she just couldn't bring herself to care.

"I'll keep you safe." He insisted.

"You can't." She said, her voice rising. She hated how squeaky it sounded. "I am 25 weeks pregnant with my abusers baby Mark. Do you even realize what that means?" She asked her voice accusing.

"What do you want me to do instead?" He shot back. "Watch while you slowly kill yourself? Because as far as I am concerned that is NOT an option." He said it out of frustration while he gently cupped her face in his hand, his voice changing to a mere whisper now. "You deserve so much better than that."

Suddenly their beepers begin going off, and their cellphones begin ringing. When neither of them answered a text came through to both of their phones:

9-1-1

Mass Causalities

All available staff report to the PIT ASAP.

They looked at eachother, neither of them moving before Addison finally said:

"You should go."

"What about you?" He looked at her concerned. HE didn't want to leave her alone, what if something else happened to her?

"I'll be fine." She said. "Tell them I've got the flu, I'll call in sick later on." She was used to coming up with lies on the spot, this would have to do.

"You can't ignore an emergency page."

"I have to. I didn't go home last night, Derek is at the hospital and he will be livid.' She reasoned as Mark pulled on some clothes and prepared to leave.

"I'll be back as soon as I can." Mark promised kissing her on the forehead. IT didn't matter that they didn't have a romantic relationship going on. She was still his best friend. His person.

"Please… Addison promise me that you'll be safe? Promise you won't hurt yourself? We'll sort out everything when I get home tonight." He was told back in a medical school psyc class that in these situations making a contract with the person who self harms helps to hold them accountable for their actions. He knew this, and honestly felt it was bullshit, but figured he would try it all the same.

"I'll be fine." She promised, smiling a convincing smile for the first time. "You don't have to doctor me" she joked. She always played the part of fine well. Her bruises and scars told a different story though.

He gave her a hug, pulling her close and speaking quietly in her ear. "You're my best friend Addison. I love you. No matter what happens I will always be here for you." Before grabbing his keys, and walking out the door.

 **Authors Note:**

 _Thank you guys so much for reading Chapter 3 of "Breaking Free!" I posted on Wattpad, but forgot to post here…. Yikes. If anyone would like to check out my Wattpad my under name is TeamMaddison._

 _On there as well. I already have chapter 5 written, and I am starting chapter 4 tonight! Yay!_ _J_ _Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend!_


	4. Authors Note 1

Authors Note:

.

Hello everyone! Just clearing a couple of things up! :)

.

I signed up for Wattpad when I started this story. This story is posted by me on both Wattpad and Fanfiction. Net . If you see it anywhere else it has been used without my permission and I have no control over that sadly. My username for both sites is TeamMaddison. The title of the story on both sites is "Breaking Free" with the same cover picture as you see here.

.

Almost all of my stories are "Alternate Universe" stories which means that things that happen in my stories may not line up perfectly with what happened in the show. There will almost always be some changes. For example when Lexi was a drug addict in the AU episode If/Then. She is not a drug addict in real life, but in the alternative universe she was.

.

An alternative universe (also known as alternate universe or alternate reality), commonly abbreviated as AU, is a type or form of in which canonical facts of setting or characterization in the universe being explored or written about are deliberately changed. So looking at the definitions, we see some differences. {Googled the exact definition}.

.

As always thanks for taking the time to read my stories! Hope this clears some things up.


	5. Chapter 4

**Trigger Warning** : severe self-harm, mild adult language, blood, suicide attempt, self-inflicted surgery, drinking, overdose, severely bad decision derived by desperation and depression etc.

 **Authors Note:** This chapter is a little long, but in real time takes less than an hour from start to finish.

 **Song Lyric Credit:** Cut - Plumb

 **Chapter 4:**

.

" _When our eyes meet, I know you'll see_

 _I do not want to be afraid._

 _I do not want to die inside, just to breathe in._

 _I'm tired, of feeling so numb._

 _Relief exists I find it when, I am cut. "_

 _._

Addison: 9:45pm

I'm sorry.

Mark: 9:47

What's going on? Are you OK?

Addison?

Addison?

(Message read 9:50pm)

.

Mark heard his phone beep and looked at it to see the text message Addison had left him. Fear is not an accurate word to describe what he felt in the pit of his stomach he knew that something was terribly wrong. He quickly told his intern he was leaving and ran out of the hospital without even clocking out. He reached his car in record speed. Instant panic setting in. Panic for possibilities he may have never even considered had he not spent the last 24 hours the way he had.

"Siri call Addison." He said as he fumbled with his keys. She's fine. She has to be fine. She probably broke that stupid mug we got that time we visited Disneyland that she always likes to use.

"Calling Addison."

Ring Ring Ring Ring

"Hello! You've reached Addison! Leave a detailed message with your name and number if you want a callback!"

"Oh for fucks sake…" He mumbled making a frustrated sound as he ended the call. She's fine. You're over reacting. Redlight.

"Siri call Addison." He said again. Barely missing a red light.

"Calling Addison…"

"Hello! You've reached Addison!..." He practically slammed the phone down this time. Fear does funny things to people. Stop Sign.

He finally reached his apartment complex and threw his vehicle into park getting out and running up the stairs. Heart pounding.

"Addison?!" He asked walking in the door. The apartment was spotless, defiantly not how he left it. "Addison?" He continued to call as he looked through the rooms. He heard the water running in the bathtub, so knocked on the door to see if she was in there. After a minute or so of no response he went to open the door and saw it pushed open easily.

"Oh my god." He whispered numbly. Time stood still as he took in what was before him. She was laying on the floor in a pool of her own blood. A surgical scalpel from his medical kit was on the floor next to her. Her cream colored top covered in thick red blood. He cringed thinking about the amount of germs that thing had on it. He doubted she properly sanitized it, and flashed back to the last time he had used it…. To fillet a fish. The world was spinning around him as he called 9-1-1 on speaker phone ordering an ambulance.

"My name is Mark Sloan.. I need an Ambulance STAT. I am calling from 628 Barrington St., _Apartment_ #501 Seattle, Washington 98103. My best friend.. Addison Montgomery, she tried to commit suicide. She just left an abusive relationship. She is depressed. She took pills Lexapro, Oxycodone, and Benadryl. I am not sure the amount. The bottles are open and spilled on the floor. She has been drinking. There are several empty liquor bottles on the ground. She has a self-inflicted abdomen incision that is several layers deep. She is 25 weeks pregnant with her abusers baby. She is losing too much blood too fast." He managed to choke out. All medical knowledge gone out the window as he watched her laying there, bleeding to death. They were given training on how to handle emergencies during school, and the proper information to give the emergency dispatchers, but this was Addison they were talking about. It seemed surreal. He got all of this out in just a couple of seconds while he was checking her pulse and examine her injuries. He begged them to hurry as he tightly rolled up towels and lifted up her blood stained shirt, pressing them into the incision in an attempt to slow the bleeding.

"I am holding pressure on the wound, from the way the incision is made it appears she attempted to terminate the pregnancy via self-inflicted caesarian section." He said "Her pulse is very low, but improving slightly with pressure on the wound." He was already beginning to form a plan on how he was going to keep pressure on the towels if she stopped breathing and he had to preform CPR on her. How long could it possibly take them? "She is still breathing on her own."

"The ambulance is on it's way. They are currently 5 minutes out. Is your door unlocked?"

"Yes it is." He said, and then tried his best to soothe Addison. 'It's going to be ok.' He just wanted to pick her up and hold her in his arms, He would do anything ANYTHING to take this daily pain that she lives with away from her.

"Does Addison have a previous history of suicide attempts in the past?" The dispatcher asked, her voice cool and calm, reassuring. Everything was going to be fine. He was sure of it. This couldn't be the end of her story.

"She's self-harmed before, but nothing like this." He said, trying not to panic. He couldn't just be imagining her getting paler and paler could he? Her completion was milky, her skin a creamy shade of blue-green. He checked her pulse again, it was still rapid and weak, but at least she was holding in there. He quickly packed more towels on her wound, holding more pressure. Packing them on top of the saturated ones.

"Sir, they should be there soon, just remain on the line and let me know when they get there."

"Ok." He promised, and then went back to comforting Addison. Her blood was slippery and hot underneath her hands. His clothes now just as soaked as hers.

.

" _These scars wouldn't be so hidden  
If you would just look me in the eye  
I feel alone here and cold here  
Though I don't want to die  
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside." _

_._

"Addison can you hear me?" He asked gently. "It's going to be OK. Help is coming, we'll get you to the hospital and you're going to be fine." Her skin was cool and clammy, now a sickly shade of gray. She moved and groaned slightly.

"Addison?" He asked.

"I'm sorry…" She coughed weakly

"It's OK. You're going to be fine, just listen to my voice." He said soothingly. He tried not to look at just how red his white towels were getting, or how the puddle of blood they were sitting in just seemed to keep growing.

"I'm sorry…" She began to cry.

"It's ok Red just keep talking and stay with me. I'm not mad. I could never be mad. Just stay with me." He said answering the question he knew she wished she could get out. She always asked him if he was angry. Even over the little things. She wasn't used to someone who loves unconditionally, and that breaks his heart. "I know you didn't want for this to happen."

He heard the paramedics knocking on the door. "We're in the bathroom, the doors unlocked!" He shouted loudly. They came into the bathroom and saw the scene before them. One took to starting an IV and attempting to stabilize Addison for transport as the other quickly took over holding pressure on the wound.

"Are you hurt?" They asked him, seeing the state of his clothing.

"No… I'm fine it's just her. It's her blood" He said, backing up and watching the events unfold as if he was stuck in a horrible nightmare. She started seizing and they pumped her full of medication. When she was through the seizure they lifted her on the transport board quickly and tried to transfer her to the ambulance, but she stopped breathing. They cleared her airway began compressions and intubated her all before they actually got her into the ambulance. Mark climbed in the back of the ambulance with her, and hold her head as they began ventilating her.

"There she is!" Mark exclaimed looking at the monitors and seeing the positive increases. He breathed a sigh of relief and tears came burning and heavy down his face. "You're going to be ok. Just hang in there, we're almost to the hospital." She is white, so white, her skin cool and clammy under his touch. Her pulse was fast and weak. He knew if she wasn't already in shock she would be soon. He wasn't the praying type, but he prayed that they made it to the hospital in time. It struck him suddenly just how LOUD the sirens were wailing as they pulled into the trauma bay and the paramedics opened the door to the awaiting medical team. He saw Meredith among the team, and almost broke down.

"It's Addison." He said, his entire body shaking. "It's Addison." He sank down against the outside wall of the trauma bay, not sure if he was unable or just unwilling to move as he watched them wheel Addison into the hospital. All of he possibilities real, too real.

.

" _I do not want to be afraid._

 _I do not want to die inside, just to breathe in._

 _I'm tired, of feeling so numb._

 _Relief exists I find it when, I am cut. "_

 _._

 _ **Authors Note:**_

 _Thank you for taking the time to read chapter 4 of Breaking Free! Please feel free to review, comment, etc.. below. I am trying to update more often. Next chapter will hopefully be posted within the next couple of days._


	6. Chapter 5

**Trigger Warning:** This story deals with several adult themed topics such as domestic abuse, depression, suicide attempts, self-injury, drinking, and decisions that even the same character may not make if she wasn't so very depressed and desperate. Afterlife, etc. etc.

 **Authors Note:** This is an AU Story. For this specific chapter and future chapters Arizona has been head of pediatrics from the beginning. I wanted to do something a little bit different with this chapter, so here it goes.

 **Song Lyric Credit:** Fleurie- Hurts like Hell

I felt this song was appropriate because in America at least losing a baby, especially at any stage during pregnancy) is a very… Taboo… topic. It seems like you don't talk about it, and there is just not a good support system for moms who've lost little ones and the love we still carry in our hearts for those that were lost. Family, Friends, sometimes even spouses just don't understand. They expect you to get over it, and make you feel shamed if you don't get over it quickly enough, but you never really do, get over it I mean. Even years later you find yourself thinking of what their lives would have been like. Even though they were only here for a short while they were here, and they are real, and they are life changing.

 **Chapter 5:**

" _How can I say this without breaking  
How can I say this without taking over  
How can I put it down into words  
When it's almost too much for my soul alone  
I loved and I loved and I lost you  
I loved and I loved and I lost you  
I loved and I loved and I lost you  
And it hurts like hell  
Yeah it hurts like hell  
I don't want them to know the secrets  
I don't want them to know the way I loved you  
I don't think they'd understand it. " _

They had taken Addison to the operating room after quickly accessing her injuries in the trauma bay. The doctors feared if she didn't she would bleed out before they could save her.

"We need to treat this like a VIP case. OR with no gallery, only essential staff." Somebody ordered as she was wheeled back to the OR. "She is one of our own and needs to be treated with the curtesy, respect, dignity, and privacy we would expect someone to show us if the roles were reversed."

Mark quickly pulled Bailey aside.

"What is it Sloan? Be quick. Walk with me… " She said, obviously annoyed running alongside the gurney into the OR.

"Please let me be in the OR with you. I don't have to operate, she's my best friend, I know I legally can't. I just want to be with her, she's alone and she's terrified, she's vulnerable. She needs someone to hold her hand."

Addison opened her eyes as they wheeled her back, she could see them talking, talking all around her, but she could not hear anything. Something sparkled in front of her eyes and she closed them again. It was painfully bright and it hurt.

"Get cleaned up, scrub in. You can sit at her head and hold her hand during the procedure. You might be a valuable source of information."

"You got it!" He said, sprinting in the other direction to change into clean scrubs. He made it to the OR in record time, scrubbing in next to Arizona just as they were putting Addison under.

Addison could smell the sweet smell of the anesthesia gases. She locked eyes with Mark in the scrub room just as her body slowly numbed and as she was knocked out completely she flashed back to the last time she had emergency surgery, she was in such a different place now than she was 2 years ago when she lost Ella. She thought she could remember what it felt like to be happy, but it seemed like a distance memory that was fading more and more as the days passed.

* * *

 ***Addison's Experience During Surgery***

She was in a meadow covered in beautiful flowers. It is a peaceful place. With sweet smells and gentle sounds. She looks around for a moment, caught up in its beauty. She hears a toddler giggling and looks up to see a beautiful little girl with strawberry blonde hair in a little white summer dress running towards her. Something in her heart reaches out to her. She has never seen her before, but she instantly knows who she is.

"Ella?" She asks momentarily taken aback.

"Momma hold me!" The little girl screams in glee reaching her arms up to Addison to be held. She picks the little girl up and spins her around, smiling and laughing along with her. She snuggles her close and breathes in her sweet smell of flowers and honey.

"I love you so much." She whispers to the toddler as a woman comes up to them, smiling.

"I'm grace." She said cheerfully. "I'm Ella's friend. I take care of her. We live in the cottage over by the lake." She said, nodding in that general direction.

"Like an angel?" Addison asked confused.

"Not exactly, but close I guess. Ella's been waiting so long to meet you. " She said smiling down at the little girl.

"You knew this would happen?" Addison asks, but gets distracted as Ella pulls on Graces white blouse and asks for her "Momma Bunny." Grace pulls it from a bag. Addison knew that bunny well. It was soft and white with big floppy ears and a fuzzy nose. When she first realized how bad she truly wanted Ella she went out to one of those expensive baby boutiques, and picked this out, especially for her .It was currently sitting on the guest bedroom bed at Mark's house. "How did you get that?" She asked.

"Don't be silly Momma! You got this for me when I was just a little baby in your tummy. Don't you remember?" She asked cuddling the bunny close and looking at Addison concerned.

"I do…. baby I do." Addison said as happy tears fell down her cheeks. She scooped the little girl up into her arms tickling her and laughing through her tears as she let out the silliest little laugh.

"She sleeps with him every night."

"So do I" Addison smiled, and ugly crying at the same time. "So do I."

* * *

"Get a type and cross. Hang two bags of O- for now, Grey get on that Gastric Lavage," Dr. Bailey demanded as she got a closer look at the wound. "Mark, Arizona get in here." She said a little harsher than intended to the duo who was still scrubbing in. She knew it was sad, but seriously, she found irony in the fact that this woman cut herself open, in her home, with God only know what, no anesthesia and she STILL manages to make textbook perfect clear cuts. Show off, so exactly the Addison that she knew.

"What happened?" Arizona asks rushing into the OR from the scrub room as one of the OR staff helps her into her surgical robe, and gloves. She hadn't been fully briefed on the situation, just paged and told to report to the OR for an emergency consult.

"It's Addison." "Addison? Our Addison? She's not a kid.?"

"No, but she IS the head of Obstetrics and Gynecology, and since she's currently open on the table you're the next best bet for this baby."

"She's pregnant?" Arizona asked confused, looking down at Addison. "She can't be."

"She's 25 weeks." Mark said coming in and after getting gowned and gloved making his way to Addison's head. He had to remove himself emotionally for a moment seeing her lying on the table, cut open and intubated. Flashbacks started to the day he got the phone call that she had been in an accident and was in critical condition. He shook his head clearing the memories away.

"I didn't know either, but it's not our place to judge. If she didn't tell anyone she must have had her reasons to keep it hidden." Baily said in a 'this is none of my business I am just here to do my job' sort of tone. Not wanting to disclose too much of what Mark had told her. Arizona grabbed the portable ultrasound and began moving the wand over Addison's tummy looking for baby. Due to Addison's thin frame and limited weight gain baby was surprisingly easy to find.

"It is very important… What happens in this room stays in this room. Don't forget about doctor patient confidentiality." Bailey said firmly. The other doctors and nurses agreed.

"Here she is…." Arizona said quietly, examining the baby on the monitor. "Heartbeats strong, blood flow is good, oxygen is good, she doesn't appear to be in distress. The placenta is textbook. I don't think she's at risk for placental abruption. She has a lot of scar tissue. It looks like she's had a previous C-Section. Is that right?" She asked looking up to Mark.

"Yes…" He said quietly. "Addison was in a bad car accident and she had placental abruption as a result of the crash. By the time they got her to the hospital it was too late." He said looking down and gently stroking Addison's cheek. Her eye lids were flickering, he could tell that she was dreaming.

"I'm sorry." Arizona says instantly, knowing by the way he talked about Ella she was wanted, she was his, and she was loved. "We'll be really careful closing her up so recovery will go smoother for her and future pregnancies will not be put at risk, due to the additional scar tissue. When it comes time to deliver baby we can clear some of the tissue away."

Mark just nodded.

"Baby is small for 25 weeks gestation, but otherwise she appears healthy. I'll run further tests when Addison wakes up to make sure it's nothing serious."

"If growth is this baby's only problem that's some sort of miracle right there." Bailey commented. "Is it safe to keep the baby inside?"

"Start a round of triple IV antibiotics, keep her on the monitor. If anything changes with baby she needs to come out, but for now she looks fine. The longer she stays inside the better chance she has, especially when she's this small." She couldn't help but notice the deep purple, black, blue and sickly yellow green bruises that littered Addison's body. Varying in severity and degrees from weeks old to days old.

Derek was wise. He knew he could only hit her in places that could be easily hidden by her clothing. Addison tried so hard to hide this from the world, but now open on the operating table she was vulnerable. She couldn't hide the truth.

"How did she get these bruises?" Arizona asked. It seems like she just kept finding out more and more things about her friend that she really wished she could just unseen. It hurts her to think of all the times they've chatted, worked on cases together, hung out even and she never, not once mentioned any of this.

"She was in a violent relationship." He said carefully. Watching Meredith finish pumping Addison's stomach and begin to clean her up. Meredith gently wiped Addison's face with a damp rag. She hadn't even noticed the bruises, she was working on pumping Addison's stomach and most of her body was still covered up by the sheet, aside from her tummy which had a sterile dressing over most of it, never would have even guessed she was in a bad situation, but when Arizona mentioned them, she DID notice, and it was all she could do not to stare. She knew the process of blame automatically went to the husband, but It couldn't be what they were thinking. Derek would NEVER hurt someone like that. He couldn't. "I just picked her up last night, she's staying with me now, but before that… it wasn't a good situation."

" Let's put a safety plan in place for while she is here. Nobody in or out aside from her approved care team, and an officer stationed outside her doors at all times." Baily suggests.

"What about Derek she's his wife?" Meredith asked, her blood as cold as Addison's skin right now. She didn't know why she was speaking up. She didn't LIKE Addison, and she certainly didn't want Derek to get back to her, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time.

"Some of these bruises are weeks if not months old." Arizona stated, accusingly. "She might just be anemic, especially since she is self-harming, but bruising to this magnitude with no other known cause could be a red flag abuse." She knew she shouldn't be jumping to conclusions, but what would the alternative solution be? What would cause this woman, this gracious, beautiful, smart, wonderful woman to be in a situation where she literally felt so desperate that she had to cut her own child from her womb? What kind of a situation would she be in that she had to constantly lie to her friends, and act like everything was fine? All this time she was slowly killing herself, while putting on a show so good that almost none saw through it.

"Especially since her bruising only appears to be in places her clothing would cover. I feel like if she was anemic or her iron phosphate stores were low the bruises would present all over her body."

"You think Derek did this?" Meredith exclaimed. "Derek would NEVER do this."

"Dr. Grey!" Bailey warned. "Nobody said Derek's name."

"No, but you're all thinking it aren't you? You can't accuse him of something he is not capable of doing! It isn't right!" The machines beeping faster, indicating the beginning of hypotension.

"Her pressure's dropping!" Mark calls out. "Give Orvaten via her IV."

"Dr. Sloan we've got this." Baily and Arizona say at the same time. Calmly. It was a miracle, but she was doing great. Arizona quickly injects the medication into Addison's IV port and watches as her blood pressure starts to slowly rise back to normal. "We're almost done here." She says as she helps Bailey finish up the staples and sutures. "She didn't make it through the uterine wall, she must have passed out from the pain before she could. If she had we may have had a very different outcome." She said. She rubbed antibiotic sav on the wound and put fresh dressings and bandages on. Preparing to wheel Addison off to recovery.

"Dr. Grey scrub out and meet me in my office now." Bailey requests, venom in her tone.

* * *

"I don't want you to go Momma." The little girl cried rubbing her eyes. It was getting dark in the meadow. The sunset reflected down on the giant lake. Throwing sparkling fire like reflections across the land.

"She'll be back Ella bunny, don't be sad." Grace soothed sweetly as she held her hand, Addison held her other hand as they walked towards the cottage. They had spent the whole afternoon playing, laughing, and cuddling in this beautiful place she called her home. It truly has been the perfect day."She's your Momma. Remember she will always find her way back to you."

"I will" Addison's voice wavered, wanting to sound confident for Ella, but at the same time not sure how she even got here in the first place. Grace just looked at her pointedly. Addison knew that expression. It meant yes, but I can't give you details because that is not playing by the rules, and may alter your life path. She couldn't help but thinking maybe the next time it would stick. Maybe the next time she would be able to stay in this beautiful place with her amazing little girl forever. It wasn't a bad feeling, not like the feelings she got when she was on earth. It was strange. For the first time she felt hope. She felt peace at knowing they would not be separated forever.

"When?" Ella asks, her bottom lip trembles slightly. She looks up to Grace for reassurance.

"It's not time yet little bunny, but for now you've got Grace." Addison said, smiling up at Grace as acceptance began to wash over her. SHE could not be here for Ella right now, but Ella was happy and safe. She was taken care of, and obviously loved so much by this woman who was able to take her in an love her as if she was her own.

"Why don't we have Momma read you your favorite story before she has to go home?" Grace asked distracting Ella. Ella nodded, practically pulling the two women into the cottage with all of her 2 year old strength, and into her bedroom. It was everything that Addison could have ever imagined it to be. Soft and girly, warm and inviting. There was a big girl bed, a rocking chair, cozy quilts, a book shelf and a toy box. Ella went to the bookshelf and brought out her favorite book "The Runaway Bunny".

Addison could feel herself waking up. She could hear someone calling her name. The sweet smells of this world were starting to fade and the sterilely clean hospital smell of Seattle Grace Hospital began to creep in. She sat down in the chair and pulled her little girl onto her lap snuggling her closely. Taking in every second not sure if or when she would ever truly see her again and she began to read. Slowly, sweetly, and softly:

"Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away. So he said to his mother I am running away. If you run away she said I will run after you. For you are my little bunny."

Ella looked up at her with bright blue eyes , wise beyond her years, she smiled at Addison and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. "I love you momma." She said.

"I love you too little bunny, and I will always find you." She promised this time her voice confident, as the world began to dissolve around her and she woke up.

 **Authors Note:** Thank you so much for reading chapter 5 of Breaking Free! I wanted to do something a little different with Addison this it worked out. I felt like she needed something to hold on to. 3


	7. Chapter 6

**Trigger Warning** **:** This story deals with several adult themed topics such as domestic abuse, depression, suicide attempts, self-injury, drinking, and decisions that even the same character may not make if she wasn't so very depressed and desperate. Afterlife, etc. etc.

 **Authors Note:** Sorry for the longer than new normal update time. Texas is not equipped to deal with cold weather. Everything shuts down including the internet apparently. My internet company is experiencing a county wide outage. :/

 **Song Credit** **:** Shattered- Trading Yesterday

.

"I've lost who I am, and I can't understand

Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love

Without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on

But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning."

 **Chapter 6:**

 **24 HOURS AFTER CHAPTER 5:**

"Ella…" She whispered, her voice raw from the incubation tube they had removed. She stirred in her hospital bed, trying desperately to fall back asleep. "Ella…" She smiled, almost thinking she could see her again, at the end of a dark tunnel as the world began to fade away. Her eyes were opening now though and the world around her coming into clear focus. Confusion washed over her. It had all been so real. She had almost expected to open her eyes and be surrounded by the rich green grass, sweet flowers, and lake of the meadow again.

"You were dreaming." Mark said. He had been sleeping in a hard plastic chair next to her bed, with his head resting on her mattress. He took her hand absent mindedly in his own, running his fingers over the IV port that was taped to it. They had kept her pretty much knocked out since she came out of surgery, but the effects of the sedatives were starting to wear off now.

"I don't want you here Mark." She said as she tried to move, and realized she couldn't because they had placed her in arm restraints. Her heart began racing as she panicked and tried to pull her arms free.

"Here let me help you." Mark says releasing her arms. He went to hold her hand, but she said "Don't touch me." And pulled away from his embrace.

"Are you OK? Does anything hurt?" Mark asked automatically thinking that something must be wrong. She was never standoffish with him. They have a very close relationship. Even when Addison wouldn't let anyone else comfort her she would always let Mark. He has always been her safe spot.

"I'm fine. I want you to leave my room. I want never to see you again."

"That doesn't sound like 'fine'" Mark said, taken aback. "You're mad because I didn't allow you to commit suicide? You can't be serious."

"The amount of hate I have for you right now makes me want to…." She trails off, not sure what she would do, but sure that it wouldn't be pleasant. "You should have left me to die." She said bitterly. "I _wanted_ to die and your _insistence_ on repeatedly saving my life is _outrageous_."

"You sent me a _vague_ text message and I couldn't get ahold of you. What did you expect me to do?!" He asked. "Do _you_ not find that a little outrageous?"

"I should have bled out in minutes. Something must have gone wrong." She tried to remember, but her memory was hazy. She has done this procedure thousands of times. Of course she would screw up when she needed to succeed the most.

"I'm not talking about this with you!" Mark exclaimed. He kept alternating back to her laying passed out on the bathroom floor. To holding his hands and towels up against her exposed vital organs. To watching her seize as they loaded her into the ambulance and her heart stop. "I am not going to help you romanticize suicide and form a better plan for next time." He threw his hands up in front of him. Growing increasingly frustrated with her.

"I don't want you here. Get out of my room now, or I'm calling security." The look on her face was dangerous now. She knew she could easily just read her chart later, but she was angry and hurt and exhausted. She just wanted to know _what went wrong_.

"You have to get off of this detrimental path." He demanded. His voice raised and she despite herself flinched like he was going to strike her. "It's not outrageous Addison. It's LOVE. IF you love someone, you tell them. Through your actions, through your words. Even if you're scared that it'll cause problems. Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it and you say it loud, and you go from there." He loved her. That was clear. Their relationship had evolved and changed so throughout the years that he didn't even really know in what way, but that confusing, blinding love was still there. That 'I'll walk through hell for this woman.' Love had never left him.

"This isn't love Mark." She said her voice rising, gesturing to the restraints they had her in, which were now just attached to the bed rails. " _YOU_ needed to be a hero. _You_ wanted to be a God and that's what happened here." He narrowed his eyes at her, trying so hard to keep his patience, not succeeding very well.

"You're fine, the baby's still in your uterus, your stomach has been pumped, you're sewn up AND you didn't fucking bleed to death on my bathroom floor. All surgery is risky, but in this case I would say that me… 'being a God' and getting you to the hospital worked out in your favor." His voice was loud, full of hurt and anger and even a bit of resentment.

"Surgery that I _did NOT_ give consent for. I am _not OK_ and I don't want to be ' _fine._ '" She began to cry. "That is just as bad as _ANYTHING_ Derek has ever done to me. You took away _my right_ to choose. It was _MY_ choice. _MY_ decision, and _you robbed me of that._ " The memories of the time in the meadow flashed before her eyes like a slideshow. The overwhelming peace she felt while she was there replaced with a sudden longing.

"You don't mean that." He said as she gave him a heart wrenching look of betrayal. "Do you think I _like_ making these decisions for you? DO you think it was _fun_ for me? When Ella died and you left without a word? Do you think it was _fun_ for me to plan her memorial on my own? Do you think it was _fun_ for me to watch as you crawled back to Derek, knowing every night as I laid down to sleep in _OUR_ bed that he was hurting you and there was nothing I could do about it? Do you think it is _enjoyable_ for me to know that you are so _damaged_ that you'd rather be _tortured_ than stay in a relationship where you are loved and work through the hard parts? Do you think I get some sort of sick pleasure form finding you passed out drunk, or overdosed, or bleeding to death on my bathroom floor? NO. But I do it anyway. _I work through the hard parts anyway_ because I LOVE you, even when you cannot love yourself." He wanted so badly to just scoop her up into his arms and hug all the pain away, but he knew that he wouldn't, she wouldn't let him, and he didn't want to force her into something she didn't want. Aside from perhaps staying alive.

"If you loved me so much you would have let me go." She said simply, falling back against her pillow.

"No. I wouldn't."

"Why?"

"I'm _selfish_ alright? I'm _flawed_. A _train wreck_ really, but with you… with you _it wasn't a game_. I would _NEVER_ hurt you like he did. Not intentionally anyway. To just sit by and watch while you self-destruct? To not save you if I have the power to do so? I couldn't live with myself. I wouldn't survive that."

"Just leave Mark." She begged.

"No. I'm not leaving you." He insisted, his voice calming down. "Everyone in your entire life has left you or abandoned you when things get hard. I get that, you're used to dealing with things on your own, but that's not working out so well for you." He observed. "I _refuse_ to be another person in your life who just leaves."

"What do you want from me?" Her voice wavered. Her expression unsure.

"Nothing." He said. Thinking back to this same conversation they had a few days ago. This time it seemed different though. Meaningful. She was listening. He wasn't expecting a romantic relationship from her if that's what she was assuming. He was open to that possibility if _she_ wanted to in the future, but he was not _focused_ on that. "You're my best friend. What do you think I want from you? I want you to be _happy_. I want you to be _healthy_. I want you see the _sparkle_ in your eyes again. I want you to be able to get through this _darkness_ and see yourself the way I see you. You _deserve_ to live a happy life Addie." He saw something change in her expression, her body relaxed a little bit.

"I'm scared." She whispered. "I'm sorry." She hiccupped through her tears. "I don't know what's wrong with me." The anger was slowly diminishing. "Will you hold me?" She asked vulnerably, all the fight leaving her.

"Ok." He responded, climbing up on to the bed with her, being careful, so careful of the wires and tubes attached to her. She lays her head against him and begins sobbing as he gently rubs her back. "It'll be OK." He whispers. "You're going to get through this. You are strong, and beautiful and you will get through this. You deserve to be happy." The way she was positioned against him he could feel the baby as it kicked her side. Her body tensed up. She had felt it too. The baby's first kicks she could feel. A look of antipathy flashed through her eyes.

"Breathe." Mark said gently. Knowing that this was going to be hard for her. She hadn't realized she had been holding her breathe until he said something. "Only a few more weeks and this will all be over." He soothed, her body slowly began to relax, but automatically tensed up and her eyes became darker each time the baby moved. Every single time she moved she reminded Addison of the abuse that got her there in the first place. Addison bit down on her bottom lip, trying to will the baby to stop moving, not that that would work, but it helped her to feel better. Mark hugged her harder and talked her through it, remembering how easily and happy this moment was when it was Ella inside of her, wishing it could be the same for this baby now.

* * *

 **FLASHBACK:**

" _Mark!" Addison screamed excitedly, she had been laying on the couch, watching Judge Judy, stuffing her face with saltine crackers, and sipping sparkling water._

" _What is it? Are you OK?" Mark asked coming in from the kitchen. She hadn't had the easiest time with this pregnancy. She quit drinking cold turkey and suffered withdraws. She stopped self-harming. She really made an effort to get her life on track and put Derek's abuse behind her. She made a cautious effort every day to be happy. He was SO PROUD of her for trying._

" _You have to feel this." She was positively glowing as she took his hand in her own and placed it on her swollen tummy. "Do you feel that?"_

" _She kicked!" Marks face broke into a huge goofy smile. A sense of joy like he has never felt before washed over him._

" _Our baby kicked." She smiled up at him. "I love you so much." She pulled him down onto the couch with her, kissing him softly._

" _Our happy ending." He said, full of hope and life._

" _Our happy ending." She echoed. Snuggling up against him, unable to stop herself from smiling every single time she felt the baby move. Right here… in this moment, she was happy. Everything was perfect, and she allowed herself believe that she had finally…. Finally gotten her happy ending._

 _ **END FLASHBACK:**_

* * *

"It hurts…." She almost whimpered. "It hurts. When she moves it hurts." Not sure if it hurt more because she just had major surgery, or because she was kicking against healing bruises, or if it hurt because of all the emotional heaviness attached to her existence.

Mark checked his watch. "You're not due more meds for a couple of hours, but there may be something to tide you over, do you want me to ask for you?" He asked her concerned, he didn't like seeing her in pain. He found it ironic that she hid the pain of her abuse every single day to the world, but anyone who truly knew her would know that she really does not deal with pain well. He cringed and didn't even want to know what she was doing to get herself through the day.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Trust me. I need to feel the pain." She tried to explain. "It lets me know I'm alive." She knew it was a bad explanation, but she just couldn't find the words to explain how numb she has been since the accident. How she had been doing anything and everything to try and feel again. She didn't know what just changed. She had a sudden feeling that with all the hell she's put Mark through she should at least try… for him.

"What can I do?" He asked.

"Just hold me." She requested. His body was so warm. She closed her eyes and allowed her body to rest heavily against his. He wrapped her protectively in his arms, and within 20 minutes she had fallen fast asleep. He decided that all the rest that just happened doesn't matter. Right now she is making an effort, and that is miles from where she was before.

 _"Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart_  
 _Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent_  
 _All this time spent in vain; wasted years wasted gain_  
 _All is lost but hope remains and this war's not over_  
 _There's a light, there's a sun taking all these shattered ones_  
 _To the place we belong, and his love will conquer_

 _(this love will conquer, all) "_

.

 **Authors Note:** Thank you for reading chapter 6! Please feel free to comment, review, as questions, give suggestions, etc. 3 I tried to make Mark mean, but that never really works out for me so I tried to go more for him challenging Addison, and then Addison backing down, realizing she was being a little over the top excessive. Maybe it worked? Finished this chapter and will start the next chapter sometime tonight. Hopefully the internet comes back on so I can post this sometime today 1/18/18.


	8. Chapter 7

**Trigger Warning:** This story deals with several adult themed topics such as domestic abuse, depression, suicide attempts, self-injury, drinking, and decisions that even the same character may not make if she wasn't so very depressed and desperate. Afterlife, etc. etc.

 **Authors Note:** This is an AU Story.

 **Chapter 7 :**

"What are _you_ doing here Dr. Grey?" Addison asked looking up from the magazine she was reading to see Meredith Grey standing in her doorway. "Shouldn't you be off screwing my husband in a supply closet somewhere?" She asked facetiously. She wasn't jealous exactly, but it made her feel sad to see how gently Derek treated Meredith. It reminded her of when she and Derek first started dating. The cute little pet names, the gentle caress of her cheek, the sickening puppy love. Something inside of her told her that he would never hurt Meredith, and that made her feel some sort of way she couldn't easily explain. " _Why is she good enough? Why wasn't I good enough?"_

"Oh trust me I'd rather be just about _anywhere_ else." Meredith said miserably. "Not only am I being forced to lie to Derek, but this is really a conflict of interest. You're a God and I'm an intern. I could easily kill you and nobody would bat an eye because interns are stupid and untrained." Meredith rambled.

"Ooookay… well good luck with that. I am reassigning you. Find Bailey and tell her I told you to get out." Addison said with an air of superiority.

"You need your vitals checked, Arizona wants bloodwork on the baby, and Bailey wants your incision checked."

"I am capable of doing all of that without the help of my husband's slutty mistress." She shot back. "I am your superior and I gave you an order." She may have given her more of a chance, she has worked with her on a case of twin twin transfusion syndrome in the past, she isn't a bad human being, or even a bad doctor, but in this moment Addison wanted her gone. The pain was one thing she was willing to deal with. Derek annoying kindergarten girlfriend? Not so much.

"How am I going to learn if you are not letting me do my job you're supposed to teach me!" Meredith shot back.

"No." Addison said shaking her head. "When I signed into this hospital as a patient I stopped being a teacher. MY job is to get better. It is not to _teach you_ or to _caudal you_ or to or even to _look at you_. Thankfully as a patient I also have the _luxury of not having to deal with you_. Now get out of my room."

Meredith just stood there starring at Addison as hot tears falling down her cheeks.

"Now!" Addison said raising her voice, and Meredith turned and ran from the room without looking back as Addison, unconcerned continued reading her magazine.

* * *

"You made her _CRY_." Arizona said, gently pushing down on Addison's tummy, noticing just how warm she was.

"That is not my problem." Addison winced and audibly gasped in pain as Arizona felt around the incision. "Gentle!"

"I know it hurts, I'm sorry." Arizona took the wound dressing off opening her mouth slightly in an o formation "Addison…. Your incision is infected. You must be in massive amounts of pain do you not feel that?"

Addison shrugged. "No more than what I imagined it would feel like without pain medication." Arizona sighed audibly, trying hard not to roll her eyes. She cleaned the wound, redressed it, and then began taking Addison's vital signs.

"You have a fever of 102.0 and your blood pressure is elevated." She said frowning. "I'll get some blood work to see what type of an infection you have." She checked the fetal monitor. "Baby looks a little stressed out Momma." This was news to Addison. She hadn't bothered to check the baby monitor, and had turned the volume off when Mark had left to do emergency surgery. "Her heartrate is a little higher than normal, but she doesn't appear to be in distress and you're not contracting. I am going to change your antibiotic and order some fluids to make sure you're not getting dehydrated since we disconnected you. I am going to do an ultrasound, to make sure there isn't anything we're missing." Arizona said, and left the room for a moment and came back wheeling the portable ultrasound machine over. Addison detached herself from the fetal monitor, lifted up her pajama top, and reclined her bed.

"Are you ready to see this baby?" Arizona asked, trying to lighten the mood.

"I don't want to see." Addison said quickly. "I don't want to see and I don't want to hear her heartbeat." She should have turned the monitor machine off way sooner. She didn't realize just how much it was wearing on her to hear the constant pitter patter this little one. It was bad enough that she constantly had to _feel_ her. To hear her and to feel her was just _overwhelming_.

"Are you sure." Arizona asked concerned.

"Defiantly." She turned her head so that she couldn't see the screen. Arizona puts some warm gel on Addison's tummy and begins to look at the baby.

"We've been friends a long time."

"I know."

"Who's hurting you?" Arizona asked directly, trying to be more careful than she was during surgery, because now Addison was awake and could feel the pain of the ultrasound wand pressing down on the bruises. Addison looked up at her with big eyes that reflected her sadness. "You can tell me. I'm not going to tell anyone. I wouldn't anyway but the chief made everyone who was in the OR with you sign confidentiality agreements."

"I fell. I slipped in the shower it's no big deal."

"If a patient of yours had this level of bruising and told you something like that would you believe her?" Arizona asked gently, checking the baby's heart now.

"I would want more information." Addison admitted fidgeting with her hands.

"Do you want to tell me the truth?" Arizona asked.

"No…I…I'm." Addison grimaced, fear freezing her in time. She couldn't move. It felt like she couldn't breathe. The numbness caused by keeping these horrible secrets locked up inside was beginning to consume her again. "I'm fine. It was an accident." She gave s small smile and fell silent for a moment, knowing that Arizona knew the truth, and there was nothing she could do to change that. "Ari?" She asked using her old nickname for Arizona. She hadn't used it in so long that it caused Arizona to look from the screen to her.

"What is it?" She asked gently.

"He can _NEVER_ find out about this baby." She said with such urgency that Arizona stopped the ultrasound and held her hand.

"I need to know who we're protecting her from. Is it Mark?" Arizona asked, figuring if she starts with someone safe it would help Addison open up.

"NO!" Addison spoke up quickly finding her voice. "It's not Mark. He helped me leave, he would _never_ do this."

"Was it Derek?" She asked fragile, careful. "Honey you don't have to say anything… just squeeze my hand if the answer is yes. Or nod or something." Addison's heart was pounding so hard from the fear that she could hear her heartbeat in her ears. She had _never_ told anyone the truth aside from Mark and _never_ when she was sober. She closed her eyes, certain this was a bad choice, turning her face away from Arizona as she tightly squeezed her hand, taking a leap of faith that she knew she would _never_ be able to turn back from.

"Thank You…." Arizona said quietly…"For trusting me with the truth." Time stood still and for a moment it was just the two women, locked in some sort of moment of understanding.

"I have a plan." Addison said.

"You have a plan." Arizona echoed. She picked up the ultrasound wand again and picked up where she left off. "I'm here for you." Arizona said. "Anything you need… I'm here for you." Addison looked up at her doubtfully, but something deep down told her she needed to let her guard down. She needed to take this chance.

"You have to protect her." Addison said her voice emotionally detached.

"We have to protect the both of you." Arizona corrected her with a small smile, then shaking herself out of the friend moment and back into doctor mode. "That starts with you taking your medication." She said firmly. "Baby looks OK for now. It's just the infection and the inflammation." She put the ultrasound wand away and wiped the gel off of Addison's belly, taking her hand and helping her to sit up.

"She hasn't had proper prenatal care. She has been exposed to heavy alcohol use and prescription drugs. I found out so late. Mark is going to sign her birth certificate so we can put her up for adoption and keep her safe from him, but if she's sick who's….." a knot formed in her throat, and she was unable to stop her face from crumpling as the tears came down. She couldn't finish her sentence _'who's going to want her.'_

"So you start now." Arizona said, pulling her friend close to her in a hug. "You find your voice. You don't let your fear keep you silent. You take control. You are giving this baby her absolute best shot. You can turn this around for her. You are _so strong and so brave_. I know that you can get through this Addison." She took Addison's face in her hands and gently wiped away her tears. "You're safe. We've got you." Arizona promised before allowing Addison to lay her weight against her and just cry, all of the fear, anxiety, frustration, guilt, releasing in those much needed 'ugly crying' tears.

 _._

" _It's not the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind." Aisha Mirz_

 **Authors Note:**

Thank you for everyone who is sticking around through this crazy writing adventure. Some of the things I write about (although all the stories are fictionalized and dramatized) hit close to home with my past. It is incredibly therapeutic to be able to write about the things you cannot always say aloud. That being said I am going to leave the number to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline in all of my posts from now on.

" **Domestic abuse isn't always physical. Any behavior used to control, intimidate, or cause fear is abusive."- Camilla Luddington.**

 **1-800-799-SAFE (7233)**


	9. Authors Note 2

Authors Note 2:

Hi everyone! College has started back and that has kept me crazy busy this last week (I am a full time college student among other things). I will continue to try and update as often as I can. Hopefully the next chapter will be completed by the end of this week. Thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, and stuck around to see where this story goes!


	10. Chapter 8

****TRIGGER WARNING****

Attempted rape. Please do not read this if that specific topic easily triggers you. I think this chapter is relatively mild aside from that particular topic. It is estimated that when there is domestic violence in a relationship, the risk of marital rape increases by 70 percent.

 **Chapter 8:**

The steady beeping of the machines attached to her and the general buzz of a busy labor and delivery ward lulled her into a restless sleep. She had refused all sleep medications and had made sure that Mark was right there with her before she allowed her body to relax enough to rest.

"I'm scared." She had whispered, her eyes growing heavy. He nodded, and she wasn't sure what he replied as he gently squeezed her hand and she fell asleep. He felt horrible he wasn't able to offer her some fantastic words of comfort and wisdom. He knew that she was scared. Hell, HE was frightened. He watched the peaks and valleys on the fetal monitor, trying his best to stay awake.

 ***Sometime later in the night***

Addison woke in a panic. Derek was sitting on top of her upper thighs/ hips, his hands tightly around her neck, pushing pressure downwards. She couldn't talk, couldn't breathe as she choked and gasped for air. Her hands automatically moved on top of his, clawing him, trying desperately to push them away from her throat. Her eyes automatically searched the room looking for Mark, but he was nowhere.

"You're pregnant?" He murmured questioningly. He could see the monitors and the screens. He was sitting on top of her in just the right way to be able to feel the baby moving. He let go of her neck and ran his hands down her chest and along her tummy. She squirmed uncomfortably under his touch. He knew she was pregnant, but he wanted to see how SHE would respond.

"No… Derek I…" She didn't know how to respond. It was apparently a no-win situation, especially with the fetal monitor recording every second of this baby's life right next to her bed.

"How far along are you?" He asked, he had removed her heart rate monitors before she had woken up, so her increased stress response would likely go unnoticed by the nurses just down the hall. He moved and yanked her into a sitting position. She began to cry. She hated how weak she was when she was around him. She hated how much power he has over her.

"Derek please stop." She begged. Her head was beginning to pound, and she felt like she was going to be sick.

"How far?" He demanded again, she tried to escape from his grasp, and he adjusted his grip, squeezing her weak arms even tighter.

"Derek please!" She begged as she tried to move away from him, and ended getting caught in the IV wires that he had graciously left on her arm, hitting the ground hard as she fell. She got up quickly yanking the IV's out of her arm and moved as fast as she could backward, away from him, towards the corner of the room.

"You have to get rid of it." He walked over to her and knelt down beside her, gently cupping her face in her hand, feeling her entire body tense at his embrace.

"Don't you think I've tried?" She whispered miserably, but that just made him angrier. She HATED this "gentle" impose fear anger that he did with her when they were in public. To anyone just listening outside the doorway, this would sound like a reasonable conversation almost. No raised voices, but all the same she knew all too well the threats that hid in his sugar-coated tone.

"You TRIED to abort my child?!" His voice raised a little now. He was a master at turning her words around so that everything and anything was her fault. He didn't want this child, but how dare she say that she didn't want it?

"I tried killing myself… twice, but obviously, I can't even do that right. I didn't know I was pregnant until two weeks ago. I couldn't abort her at 24 weeks…. I just couldn't." She mumbled, she thought this would anger him more, but it just seemed to take him back.

"You're a double board certified OBGYN! A world-class neonatal surgeon with board certifications in obstetrics, gynecology AND maternal-fetal medicine. It is impossible for you not to know you were pregnant! How could you be so stupid?!" Anger was beginning to overtake him, but he knew that he had to keep his voice low not to raise the suspicions of the nurses.

"I lost weight; I thought I was sick due to stress." She rattled trying to appease him. "The baby's placenta is in the anterior position; I couldn't feel her kicking until a few days ago."

"I can't believe how selfish you are." He spits at her. "Did you even think about our child?" She tried hard not to roll her eyes at him. Did HE think about their child when he was terrorizing her? No? Ok then.

"She's not your baby," Addison whispered miserably. "She's Marks, and I have nothing left to lose." She looked up at him and saw the anger flashing in his eyes. She saw him clench his fist and automatically flinched, waiting for him to strike her, but nothing happened.

"I can't even deal with you right now." He said shaking his head. He heard the doorknob turn and helped her up, and back into her bed just as the nurse walked in.

"What's going on here?" She asked, Addison was just sitting back on the bed, and Derek gently squeezed her arm, warningly. "You're supposed to be on strict bedrest, Dr. Montgomery Shepherd."

"I had to go to the bathroom," Addison said simply, as Derek reattached her to the monitors. The nurse looks doubtfully at the monitors until Addison said: "I couldn't very well haul all this (she gestures to the monitors) to that tiny bathroom with me now could I?"

"Of course not I'm sorry." The nurse re attached Addison's IV and Derek made himself busy doing things a decent human would do like fluffing Addison's pillows, making sure she is comfortable, and giving her the gentlest of kisses on her head while the nurse checked her vitals. She knows better than to give the slightest hint of discomfort when they were in the presence of other people. She has been trained to respond like the perfect Stepford wife. Loving, adoring even.

"I'm going to be sick," Addison said suddenly. The nurse rushed to get something to catch it in, but she didn't have time as Addison's stomach convulsed and she vomited. The first wave of sick covering both her and Derek who was too close to her and had no choice but to comfort her to uphold his image of the perfect husband.

"I'm sorry." Addison repeated over and over again, as he rubbed her back and smoothed her hair back away from her face in-between rounds of vomit, which were now making it into an empty bedpan. She tried to move away from him, but he kept her close, aware of the nurse busying herself getting clean sheets and pajamas for Addison from the wardrobe in the hospital room.

"It's not your fault sweetie." Derek soothed "It's OK. These things happen. Are you OK?" He asked his voice full of what Addison knew to be nothing other than false concern.

Addison nodded. The nurse had placed her clothing in the bathroom for both her and Derek and then unclipped her monitors again so that she could shower.

"Your vitals are OK, do you need help in the shower?" She asked. Addison looked over to Derek, who gave her a threatening look.

"No… Derek will help me." She said she wanted so badly to scream, to beg the nurse to stay with her, but she couldn't. Years of conditioning and the response was automatic before even thought about it. ALWAYS make Derek look good. NEVER reveal that their life is anything other than perfect. The nurse nodded and got her cleaning supplies to clean and change her bedding while Derek helped her into the bathroom.

 ***Bathroom***

Derek helped Addison out of her clothing. Her body was stiff, she wanted so desperately to push him away, however, she automatically fell back into that role of submissive wife.

' _If you don't want him to hurt you be submissive. Derek won't hurt you as bad if you don't make him so angry.'_ She reminded herself silently.

He turned on the water, just right. Not too hot, not too cold, and ran his hands over Addison's naked body, pausing on her stomach right feeling the baby kick as he helped her into the shower. He looked at her exposed body, covered in scars and still healing bruises. He starred at the bandages taped to her stomach, and the old him wondered what had happened before he realized that he did not care. For anyone else, this may have been a loving embrace, but for Addison, it was torture, a sign that no matter what she did she would never be free of him. She began shaking, and her breathing was uneven as she carefully washed up aware of him taking in her every move. He sat down on the toilet, quietly just watching.

"We're going to work this out." He finally said. "I'm with Meredith now. I can't have you screwing up my one chance at true happiness." This statement stung. She looked at him sadly, now shampooing her hair. She's been away from him for a while now, and she is still buying that ONE shampoo and conditioner. The only one he ever allowed her to use. The floral scent mixed with sweet vanilla nearly makes her start vomiting all over again.

"Why would I do that? I already told you she's not yours." Addison says sharply forgetting herself for a minute, something that would have earned her a slap across the face admittedly, but it didn't. He just looks at her, and that makes her more scared than ever. She knew this move. He was waiting. Watching. Like a snake looking for the perfect opportunity to strike.

"You're going to keep this baby. You're going to raise her. You're going to look her in the eye every single day and know that YOU did this to her." He hisses, to be nasty more than anything else as he moved across the room and punched her hard in her incision taking her breath, and causing her to bend over in unthinkable pain. He considered all of the times he had come home from work to find Addison passed out drunk or high on pain medication. Not thinking that he could have possibly had ANYTHING to do with her various struggles. She sank down and sat in the corner of the shower, letting the warm water flow over her, resting her head on her knees. "Get up." He snarled, grabbing her arm and pulling her. Her feet slip, and he pulls her out of the shower onto the tile. He takes a small syringe from the pocket of his scrubs, removes the cap and pushes the air out. Before she can move, he's twisted her arm behind her back and injected the full syringe into her neck.

"Derek?" She asked questioningly, her eyes full fear as her body grew numb, paralyzed. The effects of the drugs he injected took effect much quicker than he expected them to.

"You're OK." He said calmly. "I had someone mix you up something extraordinary." He said almost soothingly, looking over to the trash can where he had dropped the syringe after he injected her. "It's a liquid Rohypnol, a paralyzing agent. You won't remember a thing." He taunted. Maybe it was just the drugs messing with her mind, but the room was spinning around her, and his voice was sing-song. "Shhh…. Shhhh… Don't fight it." He said as she groaned in pain. He knelt down next to her and smoothed her hair out of her face. "You know I can't risk you screaming and anyone coming in." He removed his vomit covered clothing and put them in a sink of soapy water to soak giving the medicine a while to kick in. He knelt down beside her, moving his hands over her body, excitement rising at her lack of resistance as he took another syringe and inserted it into her, as close as possible to the cervix as he could get. Misoprostol. A medication that was initially created to cure ulcers and erectile dysfunction. It was a drug that had the unfortunate side effect of inducing labor / spontaneous abortions if injected directly near the cervix.

"I love you, and you'll never be able to escape my love, but this medicine (he gestured to the syringe, and the tube of white goo.), this medicine will help solve our 'little problem.'" He didn't want the baby to survive, but he knew the struggles of preterm infants, especially those addicted to drugs or alcohol. If the baby lived Addison would have to survive that guilt, and if she died, well Addison would have to stomach the fact that she killed her. Both was Derek wins. He was covering himself with a creamy mixture of the same medication, positioning himself on top of her, preparing to do the unimaginable when the bathroom door slammed open, and Mark Sloan entered.

"What in the hell are you doing in here?"

"My wife and I were having a shower together, and she passed out, I stabilized her and was just about to call for help." Derek said smoothly.

"You were going to _call for help_ with your _penis_?" Mark asked looking down, raising his eyebrows, and didn't even wait for a response before he pulled back his fist and knocked Derek out cold. It wasn't a fair fight. Derek wasn't expecting it, and Mark, well Mark's love and protection for Addison had always made him seem stronger than he was. He was like the Hulk when she is in danger.

Mark grabbed a blanket from the wardrobe and pulled Addison into his arms, wrapping her in its warmth and preserving her dignity the best that he could as he pushes the nurse call button.

"We need a doctor in here NOW, and call the police." He demanded when the nurse asked if everything was OK. Why does HE always end up in these situations with her? Nurses and doctors rushed into the room carefully lifting her up and onto a gurney. And put a dry blanket over her to keep her warm.

.

' _What happened?'_

' _Do you know if she took anything?'_

' _Does she have any allergies?'_

' _Do you know her blood type?'_

.

The questions came quick and in a hurry as they stabilized her and wheeled her out of the room for testing. Derek began to wake up and sat up slowly.

"The police will want to talk to you." Mark spat at him. "I suggest you put some pants on." Derek was still half out of it, and Mark kicked him hard in the manhood before walking out the door to check on Addison.


	11. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9 Authors Note:**

 _I went through chapters 1-8 again, and I did not see anywhere, but I MAY have used bits of this chapter in earlier chapters. I can't remember! Sleep deprived brain's got me. If so I do apologize. I've been referring back to this chapter for ages, trying to find somewhere to fit it in. This story has evolved a bit since I first started it. The original version of this chapter (which I had to edit to match the current sections and break into chapter 8, and chapter 9) was supposed to be chapter 5, but it seemed like other things needed to happen first._

 **Chapter 9:**

"Dr. Shepherd? Dr. Shepherd, can you hear me?" She inwardly groaned as she smelled the sticky clean smell of the hospital recovery ward. Her eyelashes fluttered, but the sedative she was on was too strong, even though they were beginning to wear off she had a hard time opening her eyes.

"You did great!" The nurse exclaimed in her bubbly 'you just had a medical procedure done I have to be nice to you' sort of voice. "You're in recovery, the sedatives will begin wearing off shortly, and if you feel any pain you just let me know OK?"

"Baby," Addison asked groggily, she could feel the hot searing pain in her stomach from where Derek had punched her, she concentrated hard on not crying out. She could feel the sticky wetness of blood in between her legs. She remembered everything, but it was like something from a nightmare. He had injected her with something. She searched her brain trying to think of precisely what it could have been.

"The baby's fine, for now, you're bleeding, but your cervix is high and tight, and you're not contracting. There were high levels of Rohypnol and Misoprostol in your system. We've given you medication to counteract the effects of those drugs, but the next few days are critical."

"Ow." Was all Addison managed to say, her mind running a thousand miles a minute as she tried to process all of this new information through the sedative fog that was thankfully beginning to lift. She was used to the pain and the bruises. Used to the ugly scars and the lies the layers of make up to appear perfect. This pain that Derek had just drugged her and tried to rape her and abort her child that was just a whole new level of SAD.

"On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your pain?" The nurse asked, pulling her out of her thoughts. Addison gave a groggy half-hearted smile. The nurse was wearing white scrubs, and in the sparkly aftermath of the heavy sedatives, she looked like that inflatable marshmallow man from that Disney movie she had seen the children of her patients watching.

"Is a million an option?" She whispered, her smile fading, tears falling miserably down her cheeks as she gazed at the TV mounted on the wall.

"This will help Honey." The nurse said, sadly smiling as she injected a new medicine into Addison's IV and sat down to monitor her as she slept.

* * *

Mark was sitting next to her bed when she awoke the next time. He was just there, watching her sleep. Mark looked at the monitor recording her heartbeat and the heartbeat of the baby. He cringed as he picked up on the scent of blood and sorrow.

"I'm so sorry Addison..." He whispered, looking down and fidgeting with the many hospital bracelets on her arm. Her skin was so pale that she scars on her wrists glowed from varying degrees of bright white to baby pink in the horrid soft yellow hospital lighting.

"No."

"No?" He asked puzzled, looking up at her.

"It's not your fault." Addison's eyes still closed tight. Her voice was weak and raspy. Her eyes opened slowly, and she saw that he had been crying. She reached her hand out and held on to his as tightly as she could manage.

"He saw us together." Mark assumed.

"No," Addison spoke carefully. "He knows about the baby."

"He can't. We were so careful!"

"He does. He must have read my chart or something. He knew when he came into the room. He injected me with something to induce the pregnancy."

"Of course he did," Mark retorted.

"I told him it was yours, but he didn't believe me." Their eyes showed the same expression of sadness, and she knew they were both thinking the same thing: 'Would this have had a different ending if she had never told him that?'

"Naturally," Mark replied, biting his bottom lip.

"Are you mad?" Addison asked

"Mad about the assault?" He asked she looked at him vulnerable. He stroked her face gently. "Baby I could NEVER be mad at you. It is NOT your fault that he attacked you. I should have been here. I promised I would protect you."

"I didn't want to be alone with him, but I didn't want him to hurt the baby and….." He placed a finger over her lip silencing her. He had a mixture of emotions just then. She risked her life for a child that she didn't want.

"He hurt YOU, Addison. You don't have to explain why you did what you did to survive." Mark was trying to be strong for her, but tears continued to fall down his cheeks. He kept thinking back to the moment he walked into that horrible hospital bathroom. Trying not to think about what could have happened if he had come back even seconds later.

"I'm OK….. Mark look at me…" She said, and he looked her in the eyes. "I'm OK." He nodded and laid his head on her legs; she ran her fingers through his hair. "I'm Ok. He didn't do anything to me that he hasn't done a million times before. I'm OK." It was sickening that she was so used to the idea of marital rape that she was able to convince herself that nearly getting raped didn't affect her in the slightest.

"I told him the baby was yours because I thought he would never fight for her, or hurt her if she wasn't his. I know I wasn't supposed to tell him our plan, but I didn't want him to hurt her." She tried to explain, Mark climbed on the bed next to her, careful of all the wires. She laid her head on his shoulder. Numb with emotion. Angry. Not even able to shed a single tear. He smoothed her hair down and gently rubbed her back. Not knowing that Derek had done these very same things just moments before he attacked her. Unlike with Derek though Addison completely melted into Marks embrace.

"It will be OK." He recognized that if she was so mad that she couldn't even cry she was dangerous. "The baby's safe; We don't have to talk about this anymore if you don't want to. I'm mad at Derek. I'm not mad at you." He reassured her. Memories of him comforting her after Ella's death came back to him. He looked at her neck and noticed they had put the locket with Ella's pictures on it back on her neck after the testing completed. "You're both safe, and that's what's important. " He said gently.

"You have to protect her. I can't. I'm not strong enough."

"We'll protect her together. We'll decide what's best for her together."

"If she's born now she has a 75% chance of surviving." She said as she felt her stomach tense up and then release. Contracting. Far different from the Braxton Hicks she had in the past. She drank some of the water from her bedside table and continued. "Keep Derek away from her. If ANYTHING happens to me, she is YOUR daughter. Talk to an adoption agency if you can, but you can't forget to sign her birth certificate. It will keep her safe." They hadn't even had the chance to begin looking into adoption agencies. She couldn't be going into labor, not now, this was happening fast. Too fast.

"Why do I feel like you're saying goodbye?" Mark asked the sadness in his voice overwhelming.

"I'm not." She claimed, squirming in discomfort.

"You are." He insisted.

"No."

"Then what?"

"I'm having contract-." She started as another one hit. This one took her breath away, and she curled up against him, trying not to feel the pain. Two contractions in less than 10 minutes. "Contractions." She said quickly. She looked at the marks on the monitor. They weren't bad, or even particularly strong, but she knew that they couldn't be a sign of anything good. They were too close together. She hit the nurse call button and paged the nurse, giving her detailed instructions on the medications she was going to need to stop the baby's early arrival. She was surprised at how calm her voice sounded. She certainly didn't feel very calm.

"What do we do?" Mark asked suddenly panicked. Addison starred off into space, not hearing him. She was thinking of another baby, their teeny baby Ella, and the day she found out she was gone.

* * *

*FLASHBACK*

" _Addison they tried," Mark exclaimed. "I made sure they tried….for you." Tears fell down his cheeks remembering the site of his newborn daughter laying in the incubator, purple, not breathing, not moving, as the doctors worked on her over and over again, trying to get her to respond. "I knew she had been without oxygen for too long, but I made them try."_

" _I want my baby! Where's my baby Mark?" She screamed, she couldn't process the fact that she was gone. Her breathing quickened as the sobs came hard and fast._

" _It's OK." Mark coaxed. Trying to be soothing, trying to be supportive. "Well… It's not OK now, but it is going to be OK, you have to calm down, or you'll pass out. You need to breathe."_

" _Calm down? Breathe? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU MADE ME LOVE HER!" She screamed as she pushed the bedside tray containing her lunch away so hard that it slammed into the sink and tipped over. He was the one who made her want Ella. He was the one who told her it was OK to love her, and the one who gave her hope that they could be a perfect family, and promised despite all her training and knowing better that nothing would go wrong. He climbed into the bed with her and held her tight, allowing her to hit him over and over and over and over again until all that was left was exhaustion and dry sobs._

" _We will have another baby, buy one if we have to," Mark promised._

" _I don't want another baby….. I want THIS baby. OUR baby."_

" _They worked on her for over an hour," Mark told her sadly. "She was just gone for too long."._

" _I could have saved her." Addison choked, her voice raw and numb, "If it had been anyone else I could have saved her." She expressed moments before she broke down completely and the doctors had to sedate her._

*END FLASHBACK*

* * *

"Addison….. are you OK?" Mark asked, her attention snapped back to him. She shook her head to clear it and then nodded slowly.

"I'm fine… just I was thinking about something." She then continued their conversation as if nothing had happened. "The nurse will give me a shot of terbutaline which will slow down the contractions, a shot of betamethasone which is a steroid that will help the baby's lungs develop faster and start a magnesium sulfate IV drip. Hopefully, all goes well the combination of these things will help stop the labor. I will continue to be on restrictions until the baby is born." She said rattling off a textbook response. Her go to escape when she didn't want to feel.

"If that doesn't work?" He asked.

"Get ready to welcome your fake daughter into the world." She said numbly as the doctor on call came in with the nurse to prep her for an exam and administered the medications.

The worst part about pain is the minute you think you've passed it; it starts all over again. – Meredith Grey

 **Authors Note:**

Thank you so much for everyone taking the time to read Chapter 9 of Breaking Free! If you have any questions, comments, reviews or suggestions, please feel free to leave them in the reviews section or shoot me a PM! . Hope everyone is having a fantastic week so far!


	12. Chapter 10

**Trigger Warning:** This story deals with several adult-themed topics such as domestic abuse, depression, suicide attempts self-harm, and various other destructive things the same character might not do if she was not so very depressed and desperate.

 **Disclaimer:** Don't kill me. This chapter probably doesn't even sound realistic I have no clue. I never had the loving boyfriend or husband experience when I had my children. I guess I am having Mark do for Addison what I wish someone had done for me.

 **Chapter 10:**

Arizona ran into the hospital after receiving a 9-1-1 page, texts, and several frantic phone calls from Mark.

"What the hell happened here?" She asked shocked. She didn't have time to grab the portable ultrasound machine and had to make do with the mobile heart rate monitor.

Mark was sitting on the bed next to Addison who was curled up on her side in something like a fetal position with her head in his lap. Her hair was wet and matted with sweat. From the way she was pulling herself into a tighter curl, biting down hard on her bottom lip, and tensing her body up she was having contractions. She had removed all of her monitors, but her breathing was uneven, and she was on the verge of hyperventilating despite Mark's best efforts to soothe her.

"How long has she been like this?" Arizona demanded, taking Addison's vitals. Her blood pressure was elevated. Her temperature 104.6.

"Derek attacked her," Mark said through gritted teeth and gave Arizona the cliff notes version of the day's events. "She came to, but she's been like this ever since she started contracting. They tried to stop the labor, but it's not working." Mark looked up at Arizona, pleadingly.

"Addison, I'm going to have to examine you and check on the baby."

Addison looked up, almost confused, and then laid her head back down as if it took all the energy in the world from her.

"She – can't – be – born – now," Addison said through broken breaths, all logic and reason gone. As she laid there, she could feel the baby moving downward with each contraction. She knew there was no way to stop it, that knowledge didn't make the truth any more comfortable.

"This is scary. I know. We might not have a choice, honey." Arizona set up the oxygen and placed the nasal cannula on Addison. "You're not alone. We're here for you. Breathe. Slow deep breaths. Let the oxygen help. "

"Do- a- emergent –cerclage," Addison suggested, trying to think of something, anything to keep this baby inside of her. She tried breathing in deep breaths. The oxygen did help. She knew that the surgery would never be an option though. She had been in labor too long, the risk of infection was too high, and especially considering the infection she already had was not completely cleared yet. She frowned thinking about how cruel life is. She never wanted this baby. This baby was the direct result of Derek's abuse. Yet and still she would do anything in her power to save her life.

"We'll check on the baby for now, and then we can decide what steps to take," Arizona said gently, trying to sound unalarmed. Addison nodded. It struck Arizona all of a sudden just how small Addison looked curled up in the hospital bed. Addison raised her nightshirt, looking away ashamed as her fresh bruises examined and the gel spread on her stomach.

"You have to save her," Addison said weakly. "Ari please." Arizona moved the wand of the heart rate monitor around Addison's tummy, finally finding the baby and listening for a minute before sighing.

"Baby's heart rate is all over the place. "She said shaking her head and wiping the gel away. "I need to do a pelvic exam and we'll prep an OR." Mark got up from the bed and helped Arizona prepare Addison for a pelvic exam, trying to keep her comfortable by not having her make too many sudden movements on her own. Mark positioned himself next to Addison, holding her hand, and gently wiping her forehead with a cold damp cloth.

"OK, Addison you're going to feel my hand touch and some pressure." Arizona said, and then let out a gentle 'Oh well that changes things' sound when she instead saw that Addison was crowning, fully dilated, and bleeding more than to be expected.

"What?" Addison asked concerned. She tried to sit up, to somehow look, but Mark gently held her down.

"You're going to be fine Addison," Arizona said calmly. "I can see baby's head it is in the + 5 position." She gave Addison a small smile, trying to keep her calm. "Mark I need you to do something for me. Call the NICU. Get an infant warmer and an infant crash cart down here STAT. We're going to need some help. We're not going to have time to move her." Mark nodded and attempted to leave, but Addison clung to him.

"You're safe," Arizona told her. "Let him go." Something about the authoritative tone in her voice caused Addison to release Mark's hand. He gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead, promising to return quickly before leaving the room.

"I'm not safe; you know that. You can't deliver this baby." She bit her lip hard, drawing blood. "I won't let you… I'll… I'll leave." She threatened panic filled her. She grabbed the edges of the mattress and pushed down, trying to relieve the pressure on her back. It felt like her spine might just snap.

"This baby is coming Addison. You can't just ignore this, and it won't go away. Look at me. You're bleeding heavily, you're fully dilated, and I have my hand on your extremely premature infants head." Arizona said, trying to reel her focus back in. "I need you to focus. Our goal is to get the baby out safely so we can help her right?" She asked, and Addison agrees.

"It hurts," Addison said wearily. She kept flashing back to Derek's abuse. Keeps shooting back to the night when Derek had impregnated her with this baby.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Arizona asked carefully. Hoping to distract her from the physical pain. She had refused the use of any pain medications during her labor, and there wasn't much else to be done aside from helping her through it the best they could.

"No." She said shaking her head. "I just didn't think it would feel like he was raping me all over again." She didn't know what made her say those words, she hadn't intended to, but there they were. The truth. She drew in breath quickly, trying to fight nature, pain increasing ten folds when she struggled against the urge to push.

"Oh, Addie…"Arizona said sympathetically. "Use this as a chance to let him know that he does not own you." She said soothingly. "It's time Addison. With the next contraction, I need you to push. Let your body do what it was designed for. Don't fight against yourself. You can do this."

"I can't 'do this.' I don't want to 'do this' anymore." Addison whimpered, her body tensing and releasing. It wasn't supposed to be this way. She should have had more time. Time to prepare. Time to turn things around for her baby. Time to give the baby her best shot.

"Yes, you can. Addison you can." Mark said coming back into the room with several members of the NICU team who busied themselves plugging in the warmer and getting it set up.

"No don't do that," Addison demanded.

"Don't do what?" Mark asked confused.

"Don't be nice to me. If you're nice to me, I'll cry, and if I cry I'll…" She trailed off.

"Fuck it. Fuck what other people might think. You need to cry, Addison. Get angry. Scream if you need to. You DESERVE to be able to feel." Arizona locked eyes with Mark and nodded. Addison had sat up slightly, and Mark climbed up on the bed behind her. Without her saying the source of her pain he pushed pressure against her back. Providing support. She sighed a little in relief. He whispered something in her ear, and a single tear fell down her cheeks.

"Ready?" Arizona asked, and Addison nodded, a look of concentration coming over her face. "It's OK to scream. Tell us what you would tell him if you could." She suggested, trying to think of anything that might help. "On the count of three… One….Two…..Three." Mark took both of Addison's hands and let her squeeze them hard.

" _ **I- just -want –to- know -why."**_ Surprising herself, Addison screamed gasping between each word, breathing becoming more difficult again as she leaned back against Mark pushing for the duration of the contraction. Her water broke with that first push and with the flood of amniotic fluid came an unexpected outpouring of emotion. Anger. Guilt. Rage. Sorrow. Remorse. One of the nurses administered intravenous acetaminophen, it likely wouldn't touch the pain, but it would help reduce the fever.

"You're doing great Addison… One….Two….Three." Arizona coached. "Deep breath and push."

" _ **You ruin EVERYTHING that is good in my life**_." She wanted to hit something. She wanted something else to feel all of the pain that she was feeling. Arizona asked if she wanted to see the baby's head progress as she was pushing. Distraction or maybe it was motivation. She didn't really. She knew that she could not let herself get any more attached than she already was, but despite her better judgment, she looked anyway. She cried in pain and heartache when she saw that the baby has a little tuft of red hair the same exact color as hers.

"One more good push and her head will be out. You've got this, and I've got you." Mark said, holding her close as her body trembled. "You're almost done." He promised.

" _ **I hate you."**_ She gave a little push. " _ **I hate you."**_ Another push, stronger this time. " _ **I HATE YOU!"**_ She screamed pushing as hard as she could manage and finally felt the gush of the baby leaving her body. She collapsed back onto Mark. Panting, sobbing, and utterly exhausted.

"Look at this baby... She's a beauty." Arizona exclaimed 'catching' the teeny little girl, happy tears of relief running down her eyes when the baby, took a breath, opened her eyes and gave the tiniest of little cries. She knew the baby still had a long, very long road ahead, but Arizona had been so afraid she wouldn't make it through delivery. "You did so well Addison." Arizona cut the baby's cord, and they wrapped her in a warmed, dry blanket to transfer her to the warming bed. For a minute, just a quick second if we're realistic they allowed Addison to see the little girl.

"Hi, baby," Addison whispered crying harder now, but for a whole different reason as she looked at the tiny baby, taking in every single bit of her. She couldn't not take this chance to see her, not after being denied this chance with Ella. The little girl looked up at Addison and squeezed her finger. That quick second before they rushed her off to the infant warmer to be worked on, That less than a minute, was all it took for Addison to fall completely head over heels in love.


	13. Authors Note 3

Hi everyone!

Sorry for the crazy stop go stop go with the updates! I have been doing some thinking about the next chapter, and I am not sure on how I want to proceed. I am working on something, but I'm just not sure. It's hard because Addison is in a place right now where she is vulnerable and a little unsteady. I feel that she's just not in the position to make the life-changing decisions she wants to be making. Here is a list of some things I am considering for the next few chapters (in no particular order):

1\. Will Addison tell the police the truth or will she lie to protect Derek?  
2\. Will the baby survive to be discharged from the NICU?  
3\. If the baby survives is Addison strong enough to give the baby up for adoption? Is she strong enough to keep the baby if she changes her mind?  
4\. How does Mark feel about all of this? How does he continue to support Addison through this? Or does he continue to support her at all?

Off Topic:

My profile image is an picture of Addison visiting her preemie baby girl. 3 images meshed int really wish there was an option to upload images with stories here :(.


	14. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11:**

"Jazlynn," Addison weakly whispered as she woke up slowly, confused by the drug-induced haze. She blinked several times as the blur faded and Mark's face came into more precise focus. She smiled a tiny bit when she realized he was sitting next to her, holding her hand.

"You were sleeping." He said carefully.

"What happened?" She asked wearily. She couldn't remember anything after the brief moment where the tiny baby girl held close for her to see, and even that was hazy.

"You were sleeping," Mark explained carefully. "After the baby was born you started to bleed out. You had an early post-partum hemorrhage, but you're OK now." He said soothingly. She had needed several units of blood, as well as IV fluids, and several different medications to cause her uterus to contract and stop the bleeding.

"I want to see the baby," Addison whispered. "I want to see Jazlynn." She rubbed her eyes, trying to wipe the exhaustion and confusion away. It didn't work as well as she had hoped.

"You named her?" Mark asked, caught off guard.

"We can't just keep calling her 'it' and 'the baby' now that she's here can we?" Addison asked as she slowly pushed herself up into a sitting position. "She's going to have a hard life. She needs a strong name."

"Addison doesn't do this," Mark warned gently.

"Do what? Mark, she's a fighter, you know that."

"Don't get attached. Don't get emotionally involved." He had gone to see Jazlynn while Addison was in surgery. His heart broke when he saw her laying in the NICU bed. Her skin was still translucent, and he could see every single one of her teeny veins. She had a soft band over her eyes to protect her eyes from the bright lights. She was on breathing support to keep her lungs from collapsing and being fed through a feeding tube. She was having trouble maintaining her blood sugar levels and her body temperature. She was suffering from withdraws. It had been a very rough 24 hours.

"She's my child." Addison was suddenly defensive. She didn't know why exactly, but she couldn't just let her go. Not knowing the difficult life she's destined for. "She has no one, Mark. She needs someone to fight for her."

"We'll talk about this later. You need to rest." He said gently kissing her on her forehead, but she didn't back down.

"We'll talk about this now." She insisted. "I can't just give up on her because it's difficult."

"You're not ready to raise a child Addison, especially not a sick one." He tried to be gentle, but the frustration he had been working so hard to suppress was beginning to surface.

"I can change. I can work harder. I can do better for her." Addison promised. Tears were beginning to form in her eyes.

"We made a deal. Our goal was to keep her safe at all costs." Mark reminded her. He thought of all the self-destructive things she had done since he had taken her from Derek's home. How would that change if she had to raise the product of her abuse? He just wanted to protect her from pain for as long as he could, but he couldn't help but think that he was failing her at every single turn.

"If she survives she will most likely have lifelong issues. Who is better equipped to care for her than me?" She asked, avoiding Mark's gaze.

"You mean us?"

"We're not a couple. You have no obligation to her. I do."

"You're wrong." Mark snapped. Worry, fear and anger getting the better of him. "I'm obligated because I am her 'father.'" Mark said, making parentheses with his hands at the word father. His blind love for Addison had gotten him into this mess. He had kept up with his end of the deal. He had signed the birth certificate claiming paternity. He didn't think the effects of this through as well as he should have thought. He had every single intention of signing away the pretend rights when they placed her up for adoption. He didn't even have time to think of the possibility that Addison would change her mind and consider raising this child. He didn't believe that he was now legally and morally half responsible for this child's life.

"Mark I….." She trailed off, unsure what else to say. The events of the last twenty-four hours was a lot for anyone. She couldn't blame him for being emotionally drained.

"You're just trying to replace Ella." Mark accused. He couldn't think of anything worse than looking at this child every day and knowing that she was conceived out of hate when his child, the child conceived from love, the child he had wanted was dead. He had an unexplainable level of anger at Addison for even considering this.

"I would never try to replace her." She was stunned into near silence at the mere suggestion that she'd replace Ella. You can never return a child you've lost, they are irreplaceable, but that doesn't automatically deem their siblings unlovable.

"He _raped_ you," Mark said harshly.

"That's not _her_ fault."

"I held you while you gave birth to her," Mark said with a tear falling down his cheek as he flashed back to Ella's birth. Selfishly wishing she had been the one to survive. He was missing her.

"That's not _my_ fault that was _your_ choice." Addison snapped, hurt, being entirely selfish for her wellbeing and not stopping to think how painful that must have been for him.

"I didn't mean it like _THAT_ Addison." He corrected himself. "I'm here for you. That is my choice. I will do whatever you need, but I need to make sure that baby is safe from the monster who helped create her." He said vigilantly. "I need to make sure you're safe."

"Please just leave. It will be easier for everyone if you go." Addison urged. "Make a clean break." She was tired, beyond tired. Pure and simple exhaustion. Physically and mentally drained. She tried, but if she was feeling this bad, she couldn't imagine how bad he was feeling. "You don't have to be a part of this." She just couldn't be the more prominent better person right now.

"He's going to find out what you've done, and when he does he will kill you both," Mark said urgently, sickened by the thought that she would continue to put her life and the life of this baby, who was already so very vulnerable in danger.

"Maybe it's just destiny." She said dully.

"I can't believe that."

"Why not?"

"Because I love you. It kills me to see you in pain, and well… I guess a part of me has to cling to the belief that things will get better." Mark sank down onto the bed beside her, falling back on the pillows next to her.

"If that were true you would understand why I can't lose her too." Addison looked down at her hands and began picking at the tape on the port in her hand. She couldn't look back up at him. She didn't know what attracted him to her. She was a hot mess. They were messy and odd, but they worked.

She swallowed hard. She couldn't cry now. She was determined not to cry. The thought of losing another child was unbearable. In the beginning, she thought that she would be able to put Jazlynn up for adoption, but now she struggled with how much she wanted her now that she was here. She felt enormous guilt for the awful thoughts and actions she had towards her pregnancy. She didn't know how to deal with these conflicting emotions.

"She's his," Mark said quietly, watching her fidget with the tape on her IV. She looked so frail, so wounded.

"That's true, but she's also mine." The tears she had been holding back fell on the word 'mine.'

A hard knock at the door caused them to both jumps. They looked up as a female detective walked into the room.

"Hi….I'm Abigail Johnson with Seattle Special Victims Unit." She walked closer to the hospital bed, extending her hand to Addison and opening her mouth to speak again when Addison cut her off.

"I'm not a victim." She said, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"I know you're not." Abigail agreed.

"So if you know that why are you here?" Addison asked exasperatedly.

"I need to take down your statement on what happened last night." She said taking out a notepad and a pen. "Can we talk alone for a moment?"

"Whatever you have to say to me you can say in front of Mark." She took his hand in her own, argument momentarily forgotten as fear rushed through her. How was she possibly going to get out of this mess? Her hands were beginning to tremble, and he took her hand in his and squeezed tightly.

"Can you tell me what happened last night?" The officer asked directly.

"Have you ever stopped to think that maybe I didn't file a police report because nothing happened last night?" Addison asked heatedly.

"A police report was filed on your behalf." The officer explained. Addison froze for a minute, staring into her deep chocolate eyes. She was distracted by just how distant her voice was. IT was not unlike the sound she used when she had to explain to her patient's families that'd passed away, or when she has to deliver bad news about a pregnancy that has taken a turn for the worse. Compassionate, understanding even, but distant.

"Who filed the report?" She looked up at Mark questioningly before the officer could say anything, but without speaking a word, the answer was more than apparent in his expression. His eyes locked with hers and she knew. When you've known someone as long as they've known each other, you learn to read the things that are left unsaid. "You did this?" She asked, hurt.

"I'm a mandated reporter Addison." He said quietly, looking away from her.

"But it was me, Mark." She gave him a pressing look. "That was not your choice to make."

"It was the right choice to make." Mark pushed back, and then without thinking… "I'm sick of him hurting you." Addison glared at him angrily, but he wasn't sorry.

"I need you to tell me what happened last night," Abigail spoke up, opening her notebook and writing today's date and case number on the top of the page.

"I told you nothing happened," Addison responded, trying not to look too guilty as she avoided looking at the hand-sharpened bruise that was beginning to form from Derek squeezing her arm and twisting it behind her back. She frowned slightly, thinking for a moment. He usually never hurt her where other people could see. The bruises, which were almost always hidden by clothing. She wondered if this made him believe he could beat her worse because he knew she wouldn't say anything, and no one could see the bruises.

"Addison," Mark said, his tone gentle now. "You need to tell them the truth." He watched as she bit her bottom lip. An action so pure that he knew was the first sign that she was getting overwhelmed.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. It looks like someone hurt you, can you tell me how your injuries were obtained?" Addison narrowed her eyes at her crossly, knowing in her mind that there were two ways this could go. 1. She could tell the police officer the truth and have a 99.9% chance of getting murdered by Derek or B. Lie. The simple three letter little word that has destroyed lives and nearly alienated her from all of her friends and her family. The three-letter little word that means she is safe. Lies = safety.

"I have hypoglycemia, and I passed out in the shower." She trailed off, her face flushing a deep pink as she tried to come up with the most despicable, but truthful lie she could think of. She was used to this now. Derek has conditioned her for years on the type of responses that are appropriate. "My husband and I.." She felt like she was going to vomit as the rest of the lie slipped from her lips. "We were going to have sex. I woke up in false labor, and the combination of the hot water and sex helps to calm the contractions." She said with confidence as if she knew this personally. She didn't. Just the science behind it all and things her patients have told her over the years. "It was unprofessional of me, and mortifying on a personal level, but it is nothing more than an incident report. It is not abused and certainly not rape!"

Officer Johnson looked from her to Mark, taking things down here and there on her notepad. "I understand that this is scary, but I'm here to help you." She offered, clearly not believing Addison's story. She had seen this all before, more times than she'd like to admit.

"I'm not afraid, and I don't need protection." Addison lied smoothly this time. "What I need is to be in the NICU with my extremely premature daughter," Addison said defensively, truthfully. She tried to get up, but the pain was severe. The monitors began to beep, showing the increase of her heartrate and blood pressure as she winced and sank back down onto the bed, her body trembling weakly.

"Our daughter." Mark corrected her, keeping up their little secret lie. "Who wouldn't even be here yet if Derek hadn't injected drugs into your cervix!" Mark objected. He didn't even know why he was beginning to feel so protective of this little girl. Maybe he just needed to know that she would never have to face the horrors her biological father put her mother through. Perhaps he just needed her to be safe. Her safety = Addison lives. If she dies, he felt confident Addison would die as well. It's not an easy realization to live with. Sometimes in the dead of night when he couldn't sleep for worrying about her, he wondered if it wouldn't be kinder just to let her go, more sympathetic to end her suffering, but he knew that would never be a viable option. Until his dying day, he will do everything in his power to protect her. It's just how they operate. He was so caught up in the moment that he didn't realize right away that she had stopped fighting. Her facial expression was holding a look of pain, terror, and concentration.

 **\- Regular Font = Everyone Else's POV.**

 **\- Italicized Font = Addison's POV.**

 _Addison's complexion turned a sickly shade of green. She could hear them talking to her, she could see their faces of concern, but it was like she was frozen. The room 'faded' away from her as a flashback overcame her. She was back in her hospital room before the baby was born. She could feel her heart beating out of her chest as she woke up and realized that Derek was sitting on top of her. His hands were warm on her neck, a contrast to the sickly cold hospital room. Silently begging for death, because she knew that death would have been preferable to anything he had in store for her. The sickly smell of his cologne and vomit made her stomach churn. It's strange how one smell can overshadow and dictate an entire memory. The touch of his hands as he gently comforted her. How she would have him instead hit her. The abuse is always much less than the constant fear and anticipation of an attack._

"Addison?" Mark asked she was sitting on the bed, but her body was trembling with fear. Her eyes were blank, staring off into space.

"I'll go get the nurse," Abigail responded, and Mark agreed as she left. Tears began to stream down Addison's cheeks.

"Addison you're safe." Mark said quietly. "You're at the hospital, but I'm here with you. You are safe." Not knowing what was causing her sudden decline he did the only thing that seemed natural and held her carefully, tightly.

" _NO!" Addison screamed, disorderly, trying to free herself from the outside force holding her down._

 _Someone was whispering something soothing. She was in the bathroom now, and so cold as she lay wet on the bathroom floor. The lights were too bright, but for some reason, she couldn't close her eyes. Derek had injected her, and she couldn't move her body. Breathing was a cautious labored effort as Derek played with her, running his hands teasingly long her exposed body. Bracing herself for him to do the deed. Thankful for whatever he had injected her with. It was better than any emotional numb she had ever experienced. She wouldn't feel the pain tonight as she prayed for a quick death. Death is so much more preferable than this hell._

"Addison, can you hear me?" He had let her go and was handing her a bottle of water. She refused, but he insisted, and she took a few drinks slowly. He took her hand in his own and massaged it, a little rougher than needed, but her hands were cold, so so cold.

"He's going to kill me." She mumbled, not fully aware of what she was saying. "This time don't save me." She said, blinking a few times and slowly coming back to the present and allowed herself to 'collapse' into Mark's arms as he tried to hide the sheer horror ringing inside him at her words.

 **Authors Note:**

Just something I've been working on amongst all the crazy of college work and real life. Long. I couldn't find a good STOP point. Hopefully, it's not too confusing. Playing around because some things are really hard to put into words. It's like I know what I want to say in my head, and I know how I want this to feel in my head, but getting it out on paper is challenging.

I love reviews if you'd like and ideas/ suggestions / etc.

Thank you to everyone who's been reading and to those who have been reading and reviewing! 3


	15. Chapter 12

***Authors note***

 _A_ **HUGE** _thank you to everyone who has been reading and reviewing! 3 Reviews help me to know I am on the right track with where I want to go, so they are much appreciated always! Please let me know what you think if you've got the time. 3_

 **Chapter 12:**

About 72 hours after Jazlynn was born.

"You have to get up and walk Addison," Mark said in an authoritative voice as he pulled the covers from around her, draping them over the bed rail. "You're finally infection free! We should have a party with your favorite pepperoni pizza and wine spiked ice-cream straight from the tub, but for right now let's get you up and moving." His tone was peppier than average as a smile graced his lips. She was going to be OK at least for now.

"Go…. I'm sleeping." Addison mumbled, he had pulled the curtains back from the window, and bright sunlight danced across the room. She moved her pillow over her head to try and block out the extreme neglect of his privilege to be able to adult. Sleep. Sleep should be happening. Not morning morningness. "That is NOT how you wake a patient." She lectured, only half kidding, narrowing her eyes in annoyance.

"You dear are not my patient." Mark teased. "And you can't wear compression boot cuffs forever. Judging by the 500 pairs of name brand shoes that are still in my closet, these are not your style." He went to the foot of the bed and turned off the compression boots, removing them from her legs. She whimpered slightly and gave him a dirty look. They had given the all clear to stop the IV's and excessive monitoring as everything has been stable since the infection cleared. So he was able to unhook her from the machines surrounding her. He pretended not to notice the painful realization that he could feel more bones than he could previously as he removed the various tubes and wires. 'Just the stress of being in the hospital and everything she's been through. She'll be fine once she's recovered.' He told himself, it almost would have made sense if she hadn't been so thin, to begin with.

He helped her to sit up and rotate her legs until they were dangling off the edge of the bed. "I can't do this." She whispered. Her voice was small, so unlike her own that he stopped and just looked at her for a minute perplexed.

"I'm right here, and we have the walker. I promise I won't let you fall." He decided on a safe answer. Not sure exactly what she was referring to when she said 'this' and honestly not sure if he even wanted to know. Walk? Live? Friendship? Motherhood? Breathe? So many possibilities.

She bit her bottom lip as it trembled. "Please don't make me do this."

"Lean on me. I've got you." He said strongly, helping her to stand up and support her weight. Catching her as she nearly collapses due to the pain. "I've got you." He repeated quietly. Holding her steady until she was ready to go again. This time she was a little more prepared, a little stronger. They got the walker, and he helped adjusted her hospital gown for her. Together they slowly made their way down the hall and to the NICU.

"I'm afraid," Addison said weakly as she paused right outside the NICU doors, her legs trembling. She had seen hundreds, possibly thousands of sick infants in her lifetime. She had operated and saved the lives of many of them. The NICU was practically her home, but those babies although precious were not hers. It's different when you know you have to rely on someone else to do the saving. "I don't want to go in." Her voice cracked.

"Addison, she needs you."

"I can't help her. Not like this. Not when I…" She tried to take a deep breath, but it didn't work. Her heart was racing too fast to breathe deeply her thoughts were jumbled and confused. "I did this to her." Tears started flowing as she sank down against the wall, underneath the oddly bright NICU sign.

"That might be true, but everyone makes mistakes. It's how you grow and learn from them that defines who you are; you know this Addie." Mark sank down next to her, wrapping her in his arms. She rested her head on his chest and just laid there the only movements her rapid breathing.

"What if she dies Mark?" Her voice trembled as the memory of her precious Ella's funeral overcame her.

 ***FLASHBACK***

 _She doesn't go to church, but yet she was in a church. She was sitting in the front pew of the small room with the too tiny closed casket that she knew to hold her baby girl's body only feet from her. It was covered in white roses. A sign of purity. Gentle baby music was playing. Songs of peace and transition. She vaguely remembered Mark asking her opinion on a few of them. Mark was sitting next to her in a new suit. The preacher had blessed Ella, and sprinkled some holy water on top of the casket, giving her over to Jesus. It was irrational, but Addison just wanted to rip the coffin open. Her baby couldn't be dead, could she? This had to be some twisted, horrible nightmare. She pinched herself discretely, but try as she might she couldn't wake up from this nightmare that had somehow become her reality. She wanted to run, but she couldn't move. Wanted to scream the unjustness of the world from the top of her lungs, but she couldn't speak. She couldn't be reached. She was too caught up in her pain and her grief as the dark fog that couldn't be lifted surrounded her._

 ***END FLASHBACK***

She reached up and took the necklace she always wore with Ella's picture in it in her hand, stroking the smooth silver absentmindedly with her fingers. She hadn't taken it off, not once. Mark had removed it from her surgeries after she was already sleeping, and replaced it before she woke. 2 years. It just isn't enough time.

"Well the baby, she isn't dead. It would be a disservice to her to treat her as if she were." Mark insisted. Not sure what else to say to fill the void. He didn't want to admit it, but he had been spending every moment of his time when he was not with Addison in the NICU with Jazlynn. Holding her hand, reviewing her charts, talking to her. At first, it was just to keep up the image of her father, but even in this short amount of time, he was beginning to look forward to their visits.

"She looks like Ella," Addison replied. Sadness was reflecting in her tone, thinking back to the one time she saw Jazlynn, aside from the pictures that Mark had brought her from the NICU. How much she had already changed, and it has only been a few days. The sweet little expressions she has in every single one of the pictures Mark has shown her. It's like she's genuinely thinking about something. It's like she's already trying to survive.

"Only because Ella looked so much like you!" Mark responded. Trying to ignore the pain that always came up in his chest from talking about her. He took Addison's hands and helped her to her feet.

They walked through the door, and to the room right off the NICU where he helped her to scrub. She put on a clean, sterile set of gloves and gown before sitting down, exhausted from the short journey, in the wheelchair he had someone bring them, and allowing Mark to wheel her over to Jazlynn's bedside.

"She's doing well." He said before she could grab the baby's charts and look for herself.

She stood up and looked down on the tiny infant. Placing her hand in the humidified incubator and letting her squeeze her gloved finger. She didn't say anything for the longest time as she took in every single inch of the little girl before her. She smiled slightly as Jazlynn squeezed her finger tighter as if to say "it's ok mom. I've got this." A single tear fell down Addison's cheek. She already decided to fight. From the moment she was born she was fighting. "You're strong, and you're a fighter." She told Jazlynn with a little smile. "You're a fighter because you're a Sloan, Sloan's are fighters…." She stared down at the little girl, trying hard not to see her big sister as her voice broke and she choked out: "You're going to be ok. Mommy's here now." The fear she felt before melted away, as Mark stood behind her. Supporting her, just as he always has, so that she could be strong.

 **Authors Note:**

 _Thank you for reading chapter 12 of Breaking Free 3. A bit of a shorter chapter, but I wanted something a little bit lighter. Things HAVE to start getting a bit lighter, as Addison is letting go a little bit and allowing herself to love again. I have decided where I want this story to end now, but we've still got several chapters to go before we get there. I think it will take around six sections, but it might be more. I am also working on a one-shot songfic to the song "In my blood", which will most likely be Addison, Amelia, Mark. So be on the lookout for that if you like angsty drama emotional roller-coasters that is my writing style. Hope everyone is having a fantastic week thus far! 3_


	16. Chapter 13

***Authors Note***

.

 _Thank you so so much for the reviews 3 It makes my heart happy to know that you are reading and enjoying this story so far. I've had a little bit of writer's block lately. Sometimes even when you know where you want to go getting there is an adventure. This chapter is a little…. Interesting. It is dark and twisty, which is my regular writing pattern, but there are some lighter moments. I have my reasons for everything that happens in this chapter, so hopefully, it reads clearly and isn't too confusing._

.

 **Chapter 13:**

.

Derek sat on the hard rocking chair in the NICU near the incubator of one, tiny, Jazlynn Sloan. Just the sight of her made his blood boil inside. Even twelve weeks early she resembled her mother. She opened her eyes and cooed up at him. He was shocked to see that her eyes were a piercing blue. Not the standard newborn navy. He put his hand in the incubator and gently stroked her auburn hair. He almost felt sorry about the circumstances that lead to her being here. He knew that she didn't deserve this. Typically, he found premature babies to be wrinkled, red, squished alien looking little beings. He rarely paid attention to them outside of routine medical or surgical care. Babies, well they were Addison's thing. This baby, she is different though. He couldn't figure out exactly why. Maybe it was because he didn't believe for a second that she wasn't his. Perhaps it was because at only a week old it was evident that she was going fierce, a fighter just like her mother. He checked her vitals, and gave her the prescribed dose of medication into her IV. He checked her vitals a second time as the medicine had time to kick in and then checked her file, documenting her medication and assuring that her scans were free of bleeds. She was fine. It was some sort of a miracle. She grabbed his pinky and he smiled down at her sadly, watching her tiny chest move up and down with each breath. He was not supposed to be here. He knew that. Not within 500 feet of Addison, Mark, or "their" adulterous love child. It was early morning and the NICU was quiet though. A nurse had been watching over the babies monitoring while the rest of the NICU team rested, and she was easily swayed by an extra thousand dollars. It was too easy. Nurses really do not get paid enough. No one suspected a thing as he walked over to have a look at this baby everyone was talking about. He had to see her, at least once.

"What are you doing here?" He started when he heard the timid voice of his wife behind him. It was tired, submissive even. She wasn't looking for a fight. "You're supposed to be in jail. There is a restraining order against you." Addison's voice became a bit stronger as she sauntered towards her daughter's incubator. Their eyes locked. He was challenging her, checking to see how much power he still had over her. Fear ran through her body like an electric surge, but she didn't back down. He broke eye contact first and looked down at Jazlynn. She carefully opened the small black bag she was carrying and took the bottles of breastmilk labeled with Jazlynn's name and DOB out. She placed them in one of the mini fridges on top of the counter. She had been spending every waking moment that she was not in the NICU with Jazlynn pumping milk for her since the day she was born. She carefully walked over to the incubator again, and to Derek, not knowing where this was going to go.

"Did you think that a piece of paper was going to scare me off?" He asked, laughter in his tone. He watched as Addison quickly checked the baby's vitals and her charts, guaranteeing he did not hurt her.

"Please Derek. I'll do whatever you want. Please just don't hurt her." Addison begged. She would give her life if only it meant he would leave Jazlynn alone and give her a chance at hers.

"Don't you think it's a little late to make deals?" Derek asked, almost playfully, walking closer to her as she moved backward, more and more until he had pressed her up against a wall, his body against hers, holding her there as he kissed her roughly on the lips. "I own you." He ran his hands over her body. She knew better than to fight him and found herself lost in the moment moving her arms around his neck as they kissed, harder, deeper, hungrily before he said: "I can do whatever I want to you, and to the offspring we create. A piece of paper isn't going to change that."

"She's not your baby," Addison said, coming back to reality, and desperate to the story that she had invented with Mark.

"After 11 years I thought you'd know not to lie to me. We both know this baby is not Mark's." His voice was like the venom of a poisonous snake bite. Painful. Numbing. At some point, he had grabbed her throat and began squeezing tightly. Her body went weak. She knew not to fight. She didn't scream or thrash around or make a scene as he let her go, pushing her forcefully as he let go causing her to lose her footing and fall to the floor. She backed as far away from him as she could get carefully massaging her throat she could feel that nothing was severely damaged. Derek would never leave a bruise where people could see.

"Derek please just stay away from her!" She pleaded getting up and moving towards them again. He ignored her and walked back over to the incubator. He started talking to Jazlynn gently. So unlike himself. Addison touched him on the back to get his attention away from Jazlynn. He turned around and pushed her hard, she fell on the ground for a second time, letting out a cry of pain as her head hit on the edge of the counter and causing it to bleed. "You need to leave. Now." He warned before turning back to Jazlynn.

Addison regained her footing and moved once again closer to Derek and Jazlynn. It was like a weird game of torture with them. Give and take. Push and pull until finally someone breaks. She didn't know how to just lye down and take it. Not now that there was an innocent life at stake. Addison picked up one of the other portable IV polls and without even thinking swung it, as hard as she could, striking Derek on the back of the neck. Caught entirely off-guard Derek only had enough time to question touch the end of his neck and turn to Addison, looking at her in alarm before collapsing onto the ground.

Addison froze. She couldn't believe what she had done. The IV pole fell with the sound of metal on the tile. Her heart was beating in her ears. Her body was trembling as she collapsed down on the floor next to him.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry…. I'm so sorry." She stammered out loud. She moved her hands over his body checking his pulse, a thousand thoughts rushing through her mind at the same time.

'What have I done? Oh God, what have I done? I killed him.' She stood up and quickly put the IV pole back where she got it from before hitting the emergency button and sounding the alarm. Not knowing how long it would take for help to arrive, she fell back on her knees beside him and (with much effort) managed to get him on his back, and his airway cleared.

'He's not breathing. He's not breathing. Oh, my God. I did kill him.' She was still trembling as she placed her hands on his chest and began CPR, knowing that at any moment he could wake up, realize she was within arm's reach and take her life. 'Jazlynn just witnessed me murder her father. Already kicking this parenting thing off right Addison.'. Isn't it something strange that after all he's put her through she's still willing to try and save his life? Maybe she just felt guilty.

"Please Derek… I didn't mean it. Just breathe already!" She screamed at him, silently cursing the team for taking so long. "I NEED SOME HELP IN HERE!" She screamed. Where was everybody? It wasn't like the NICU to be this quiet, even in the middle of the night, there were at least 1-2 nurses and interns. If she had been wiser, she would know that Derek paid them off, but right now she wasn't. Right now she was sleep deprived, frightened, traumatized and desperate.

It had been three minutes, five minutes, and then he was coughing and began breathing on his own. He looked up at her with confusion, and then reached up and pulled her down on top of him, kissing her gently, passionately.

"What are you doing?" He asked weakly. Unsteadiness shone in his eyes when Addison pulled away from him and moved from his immediate reach. His voice was kind, gentle, something that she hadn't heard when they were alone since the day they said: "I do.".

"You passed out." Addison invented. "You stopped breathing. I did CPR, and you're going to be fine, but you need a workup to determine what happened and rule out any underlying conditions." He sat up slowly and reached out to her. She looked at him wearily, sub cautiously taking her wrist in her hand and digging into her skin with her nails until she could feel the wet gush of blood.

"No… I mean you're hurting yourself, and your head is bleeding." He said with actual concern. She looked down at her arm and then turned her wrist so he couldn't see.

"It's nothing." She said assumingly, but the blood was dripping now, and Derek was up and to her before she could move away. He took her hand gently in his own, and she let him lead her over to the scrub room by the NICU doors. Confused she followed him. She was still so used to doing anything and everything he wishes without even thinking about why she's doing it. 11 years of abuse will do that to you. He turned on the water and guided her wrist under the tap, turning it over and examining the many fading scars in various shades of pink to skin tone to bright white.

"What have you been doing to yourself?" He asked not sure what exactly was going on, but it pained him to know that she was hurting herself, how long has this been going on? How had he never noticed?

"You don't remember ANYTHING?" Addison asked, her voice trembling. She flinches as he gets a suture kit, and begins to clean and suture up the cut on her head.

"Addison, I would never hurt you." He said, gently bringing his hand to her face, caressing her cheek, eyes gently locking with hers. She moves away, and he lets her, his eyes full of hurt that he couldn't explain. "What makes you think that I would hurt you?"

Be Brave. Be Honest. She knew that it was just the head trauma that was causing him to be kind towards her. There was no one around. He wasn't trying to keep up appearances. He was genuinely helpful. The feelings that this brought up in her overwhelmed her. She thought back to how loving he was towards her when they first started dating. She wished that the past 11 years had reflected THAT type of love. She sank down to the ground, and he sat next to her. Every single instinct in her body told her to get up and walk out those doors, but something she couldn't explain caused her to stay. Something calmed her and assured her that this wasn't just another one of his games. For once he was sincere, even if it was only due to a blow to the head.

"You did hurt me though," Addison said, thinking of Jazlynn who wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for him directly hurting her. She thought back to all the years she spent hiding bruises and smiling and holding his arm in public, acting as the perfect, flawless couple of everyone's dreams.

"Addison I'm sorry…" He said, and he meant it. "Can you ever forgive me?" She felt his arms around her, and her body relaxing in his embrace for possibly the first time in their entire marriage. Everything in her mind told her to get up, to leave, that he was going to hurt her again, but her body, she couldn't explain it. It was like something that she had desperately been longing for had finally became a reality. She relaxed in his arms. She let him hold her.

"Kiss me," Addison demanded. She knew that he would never kiss her unless it was HIS idea. This is her mind, was a test. He took her face in his hands and pulled her close, kissing her gently. She kissed him back, and he didn't overpower her or push her away. He moved his hands through her hair. Pulling her closer, tighter, quicker, deeper when suddenly the door to the NICU opened, and they looked up guilty like two teenagers caught in their parent's bed to see Mark Sloan standing there, a mixture of anger and a look as if he was going to vomit on his face.

"What the hell is going on here? Addison are you OK?" He asked, making his way towards her.

"I'm FINE Mark," Addison answered, suddenly cross.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Mark calm down, I'm OK. He loves me. He didn't hurt me." She moved closer to Derek, and Mark looked at her, disbelief in his expression.

"Didn't hurt you?" Mark asked, "How'd you get that cut on your head?" He asked her, challenging.

"It's none of your business, but I slipped," Addison said, anger growing within her the longer the three of them stood there. "He DIDN'T hurt me, Mark."

"Didn't hurt you?! Didn't hurt you?! Addison, you are in here BECAUSE OF HIM. Did you forget?" He grabbed her by her wrist and pulled her over to Jazlynn's incubator, not even bothering to be gentle. "Look at our baby Addison. She's hurting, and struggling because of what HE did to you." He gently placed his hand on her stomach. "You tried to commit suicide TWICE in less than a week due to the trauma that HE put you through. That doesn't just go away." Mark said, taking her face in his hands, gently forcing her to look at him.

"I NEVER meant to hurt her," Derek exclaimed, moving over to them. "I have a brain tumor. I'm dying."

.

 ***Authors Note***

 _Thank you again to all the readers. This story has taken a little flip-flop to the side of the point, but… the idea came to me, and I was like woah.. that would be interesting. It was fun to try and make Derek flip from evil to gentle and caring, and then Mark from gentle to mildly aggressive. It is tough to explain what I am thinking. I think with the history that Derek and Addison have it would be easy for her to fall back into his web of destruction, despite knowing better. "He's changed. He loves me, and he's changed." I think that her brain knows better, but she wants to trust her heart which genuinely wants to believe that Derek has changed._


	17. Chapter 14

"Addison you can't do this." Mark said, slamming his fists down onto the marble countertop at the word 'this.'. He watches as she throws her belongings into her suitcases. She had signed herself out of the hospital AMA and was preparing to leave and go back 'home' to Derek. He failed to see how she considered a place where she was beaten and emotionally tortured daily 'home,' but he reminded himself that she doesn't need his judgment now. She jumps at the noise his fists make, flinches and moves her hands up automatically, as if she is expecting him to strike her, fear blinking in her eyes.

"He needs me, Mark! What am I supposed to do?" She asks, her voice trembling more than she'd like it to. She hated herself for wanting to go back to him, for wanting to help Derek despite everything that he'd put her through, but there was still a part of her who loved him. Still, a piece that believed in him, and wanted him to love her in return.

"You say no!" Mark says, but his tone gentler now. "He tried to murder you. He nearly killed our daughter! You're not even supposed to be out of the hospital yet."

"It was my fault." She moves too fast, and a wave of pain causes her to bend over and lean against the hospital bed for support, a reminder that healing takes time, the time she does not have. "I should have fought harder… should have done….Something." She thought back to that day in the bathroom, and unpleasant thoughts excuses filled her mind. Her thoughts were all jumbled up and confused. Oh, how easy it was to slip back into that acquiescent, trance-like way of thinking. It was like an angel vs. devil on her shoulders. Mark vs. Derek. She didn't deserve to be hurt VS Derek only hit her because she doesn't comply. Love doesn't hurt VS He beats me because he loves me. If he didn't, he wouldn't bother. Stuff like that. Those haunting thoughts that left their scars.

"Baby no…" He pulled her close to him, gently kissing her forehead. "It is his fault. He is the one who chose to hurt you. Tumor or no tumor. HE is to blame for his actions."

"I'm not a victim, stop treating me like I'm his victim."

"No?"

"No."

"Then stop acting like one." He knew that this would make her mad, but he didn't care.

"I'm not 'playing the victim.'" She said mocking his words. "He is sick Mark. All of this…" She gestured towards her body, her hands flowing from the top of her head downwards, particular emphasis on the healing wounds on her stomach and the bruises. "Is because of the tumor, he loves me."

"He's lying." Mark declares, taking her by the shoulders, stopping her in her tracks, holding her steady, forcing her to look at him, so she knows he means it. "Addison he-is -lying to you."

"You don't know him as I do. This is not something he'd lie about." She protested, and he threw his hands up in fear and frustration as she sank down to the floor, in silent tears.

"He's my husband. He loves me."

"You keep saying he loves you but this is not love Addison." He snatched her arm up, exposing all the cuts and scars and bruises ."Love does not hurt." He keeps telling her this but sighs when the painful realization hits him that this is something she will have to find out on her own.

"Let me go." She is quiet but demanding. He drops her arm as quickly as he picked it up, although he knew that was likely not what she meant, she moves further away from him, but does not leave the room, she looked at him, her eyes searching, almost seeking approval, Mark shook his head at her sadly.

"Are you _that_ desperate to die?" He asked her, narrowing his eyes.

"If I _wanted_ to kill myself I wouldn't announce it." She said simply, playing around in her head, the depression and anxiety telling her all the different ways she could end her life if things did go south with Derek. She shook her head, clearing away the darkened thoughts. She hadn't been trying to kill herself when she drank all that alcohol, and she wasn't trying to kill herself every day when she picks up razorblades and brings them to her wrists. Hell, she wasn't even trying to kill herself when she overdosed and tried to cut Derek's unborn child from her stomach with a dirty scalpel. She was trying to make the pain stop. It's a foreign concept that few understand. It's so much easier to tell people she wishes she was dead when they "clean up" her mess and then lecture her afterword's, rather than trying to explain why exactly she cannot just shut up and be grateful and happy that they "saved" her. She is unsalvageable, at least in her mind. Derek broke her.

"Really? Because you are sure making a hell of a public attempt to self-destruct." She is quiet for a long time and so still, and it worries him. He watches her, her only movement her shallow breathing. "Ella wouldn't have wanted this." He says, thinking of Jazlynn up all alone in the hospital NICU. Thinking of how this whole downward spiral had started with Ella's death.

"Ella's dead," Addison said, all emotion gone from her words. "What she would have wanted isn't relevant anymore." She ripped off the locket from her neck, throwing it in Mark's general direction before getting up, grabbing her suitcase and walking impassively out the door.

 **Authors Note:**

Just a quick update with some of the things that I have been thinking. Sorry it is so short this time, but I need to write. Writing is my happy place. Hopefully I can get another chapter up soon. This just seemed like the natural ending point for this particular chapter.


	18. Chapter 15

Chapter 15:

She walked quickly through the hallways, cutting through different wings and corridors. Walking a path that she knew well, but one that wouldn't be as natural to Mark. She looks down, ignoring the murmuring of her co- workers, her face flushed crimson when she realized what a hot mess she must look like. Nothing like the prim, proper, sophisticated Dr. Addison Montgomery Shepherd that they are used to. She left the hospital room in such a hurry that she didn't even consider putting on a long sleeve shirt under her navy scrub top. Her scars and bruises were vulnerable, exposed to peering eyes. Her eyes were tired, with dark circles under them. Her cheeks hollow. She hadn't applied make up this morning. The cut from where Derek knocked her down still creates an ugly focal point on her head. She is suddenly grateful that at the very least she managed to brush her hair this morning.

"Ooohf." She bumps into someone and stumbles. He catches her and she looks up to see Derek. He's holding her arm, supporting her with one arm, and juggling a dozen roses, and a get well soon teddy bear in the other.

"Careful!" He warns, steadying her gently.

"I'm sorry." She whispers, years of abuse making her automatically weary.

"I thought I'd find you here." He says sweetly. She hadn't had a destination in mind when she left the hospital room. She looked up to see that she was standing in front of the doors to the NICU. "I saw these at the gift shop and though they'd cheer you up." He flashes a smile at her.

"Thank you." She accepts the gifts, bringing the roses to her nose and inhaling their sweet aroma. "They're beautiful." They go silent for a moment, an awkward heaviness sets in between them, she looks down, fiddling with the teddy bear, avoiding eye contact.

"I know you're afraid, you have every right to be, but I'm not going to hurt you." He says, cutting through the tension.

"How did you even get out of jail? Mark said told me they arrested you." The question popped out before she thought about stopping herself. She wasn't thinking properly. She was forgetting one of the main rules. NEVER ASK QUESTIONS. He looks at her a little funny, but it's not anger in his eyes, she's never seen that look before, and it makes her nervous.

"The bail was set at $500,000. It's wasn't hard to meet." He shrugs offhandedly.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry that I'm out of jail?" He looks a little cross at this and she moves back. He sees this and calms his expression, putting his hands up in an innocent, surrendering way.

"No. Just sorry for everything." She begins to cry silently.

"Don't worry about it." He says. "We can't do anything about that now." He moves closer to her and dries her tears with his thumb. He gives her a smile, that special smile that he used to always save just for her. She hadn't seen that smile since their wedding. She feels her guard coming down. It's like ice cream melting in the sun on a hot summers day.

"I'm scared, Derek." She murmurs. Why is she even discussing this with him?

"I know, and I'm so so sorry." He whispers to her, rubbing her back. "You've been through so much. You need to be resting and taking it easy." Concern. Genuine Concern.

"I signed myself out AMA." She said quietly. "I'm leaving."

"You can't do that." Derek protests.

"I'm fine." She replied, her default automatic response.

"You're not 'Fine' you've been through too much for any one person to handle. You need to give yourself time to relax and recover. YOU need to be there for OUR daughter because I'm not going to be here for much longer…." His eyes drift to her exposed arms, and sorrow reflected in them. "In all my lives I will never be able to make up for what I did for you… but I can help give that little girl the life she deserves. She needs her mother."

"So you weren't lying?" Is all Addison can think to say as a wave of fresh shame rises in her for all the different ways she failed to protect this baby.

"I wish I was." He looks down at his hands, and then pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, bringing up his MyChart patient file and pulls up an image of his brain, explaining to her, in detail, what the different images meant. She looks at him blankly. She was a doctor yes, but the brain is not her area of expertise.

"In simpler terms I have an inoperable, malignant tumor the size of a grapefruit on my Frontal Lobe. They are starting Chemo and Radiation soon in hopes of reducing it to an operable size, but it's one of the worst I've seen. I would give myself 6 months to a year."

"What can I do?" She finds herself asking.

"Tell me the truth."

"About what?"

"The baby."

"What about her?" Addison felt the color draining from her face.

"I need to know if she is really mine or not." His eyes were pleading with her. "Please Addison. I'm probably not going to live to see her graduate the NICU. I cannot die not knowing."

"I'm so sorry Derek…. She's not your baby." She looked him square in the eye, carefully telling him this lie, so that he would believe her. She knew that he wouldn't hurt Jazlynn now, but what if the tumor caused him to become violent again?

"When?" He asked.

"I don't know." She grumbled.

"WHEN ADDISON?" He raises his voice and grabs her by her upper arms. She jumps frightened, and he lets go of her, apologizing. She backs away trembling.

"Prom." It is the first thing that comes to her mind, thinking back quickly to when the baby could have possibly been conceived, trying to be honest, but she knows it will hit them the hard. She manages the simple word, looking down, ashamed. She had caught Derek having sex with Meredith during the hospital prom and didn't return when he called for her as he and Meredith broke apart and quickly started throwing their clothes back on. He had come home drunk and furious early the next morning. She had to take a full two weeks off work to recover from his wrath, there was no hiding the bruises he caused that time. She was used to it by the though. It wasn't the first time he'd beaten her and then been so turned on that he forced her into "make up" sex, as if that were going to solve everything. He told everyone she was on holiday in Tuscany. He looks at her funny, as if remembering that night. He takes her hand, pulling her closer to him and kisses her gently on the forehead.

"You're coming with me." He whispers into her hair. His voice suddenly cold, harsh. "Don't fight, don't say a word." He wraps his arm around her lower back and in the pretense of helping to support her they walk towards the on-call room.

"Derek, I don't want-" She began, swallowing hard. They pass a couple nurses who smile at them as if they were thinking 'Aren't they just the cutest couple?' Derek increases the pressure on Addison's back, pushing his fingers hard into her side. Something that would go unnoticed by passersby's. Something that automatically reminded her that he owns her, and she is never to make him look bad. She smiles up at them and tells them hello, and the like. When they pass he pulls her close, heads touching like they were two best friends having a nice leisurely stroll down the hallway. They turn the corner and he pushes the door to the on-call room open, guiding her inside, making sure she sees as he locks the door.

"I warned you to come with me. I warned you not to speak." His tone was remorseful, as if he was sorry she crossed him. It was if he were giving her a test, a test that she miserably failed.

"I'm sorry Derek I didn't mean anything by it."

"Do you WANT people to know what I have to do to keep you in check?" He looks at her, not completely healed up from her surgery. The image of her disgusting him. "I can't even look at you." He pushed her hard, and she stumbled, catching herself just before hitting her head on the metal frames of the on-call room bunkbeds. "I look at you and I feel nauseous."

"I just wanted to see Jazlynn…." Her voice cracked, pleading.

"No." He pushes her down onto the bed, thinking of Meredith as he kissed her. She panicked and instead of automatically becoming submissive she squirmed, attempting to push him off her, trying to get away. Anger flashes in his eyes as he easily overpowers her, sitting on her hips, holding her arms down against her side, she falls still.

"It looks like you need a little retraining." He said playfully as if this was all a game. She screamed out of fear and he smacked her hard against the mouth she could taste saltiness of blood against her teeth. She attempts to kick him, then to bite him, trying so ineffectively to get away due to her weakness that it was almost laughable. Having had enough of her foolishness he let go of her arms and placed his bent arm against her throat pressing down hard, holding her nose and mouth shut with his other hand. "I warned you never to disobey me." He said. She is choking now, her face bright red, but he doesn't let up. Tears are welling up in her eyes. She squeezes them tightly trying hard, despite everything, to not let him see her crying. Everything is always worse when she cries. The world is spinning, her chest is tight, she's suffocating. Her eyes are going fuzzy, her vision tunneling. She struggles to take a breath. He is saying something, smirking even but she can't hear him. She begins to panic now, crying hard, but she can't move. She is gasping for air when suddenly she feels someone inject her with something, and the sensation of slipping, floating on air as the world goes black.

Authors Note:

Thank you to everyone for the wonderful reviews of the last chapter, to everyone who's stuck around so far and for everyone who is just discovering this story! 3.


	19. Chapter 16

**Breaking Free**

 **Chapter 16:**

.

"She has an acute subdural hematoma. There is also evidence she has been sexually assaulted. She has you listed as her next of kin." Bailey catches Mark, as he ran down the hall towards the OR. She placed her hand on his arm supportively as she stopped him. He was out of breath, sweaty. It appeared as if he had taken the stairs the moment she paged him instead of waiting for the elevator.

"What….the….hell….happened?" He asked between gasps, bending over and putting his hands on his knees. He was trembling, his ribs ached. He was having trouble catching his breath. He scribbled something that resembled his signature on the paperwork Bailey handed him. Consent for emergency surgery, consent for a rape kit which would be performed after the surgery was done and sent off to SVU.

"We don't know, she is being rushed to surgery. An intern found her unresponsive in the attending on call room."

"Is she…." Mark's mind raced a million miles a minute. "Surgery? Who's going to?" He was his legs suddenly go weak. He sank down onto a lowered gurney that had been abandoned in the hallway. He couldn't put a coherent sentence together. Couldn't think. His head swirled as he thought of her laying exposed on the dirty on call room floor. He felt like he was going to be sick.

"Amelia is scrubbing in now for the operation."

"She can't operate. They're practically sisters." He objected finding his voice.

"She's the best we have." Bailey argued. "Her record is cleaner than Derek's and he can't operate on her for obvious reasons." Her voice was cross now. "We didn't have the time to call someone in Mark."

"She won't be objective…. If something goes wrong she won't….." His voice broke and he buried his head in his hands. "Addison left angry, I have to see her."

"There isn't time. Mark listen." She sat down on the ground next to him. "They did a portable CT scan to confirm and then rushed her to the OR. She's already on the table."

"What if…" He stumbles on his words again. He couldn't say the words out loud. It wasn't possible. He wouldn't LET it be a possibility. She wasn't going to die. She couldn't. She is strong and beautiful and has come back from much more than this. She could do it again, couldn't she? A chill goes up his spine and goosebumps spread up his skin as the reality of the situation began to sink in.

"Addison's injuries … they're extensive but listen to me Mark." He looks at her, and she gently wipes his tears away. "You do not get to break down. You do not get to fall apart, not when there's still a chance and there IS still a chance Mark. Amelia is the best there is."

 ***ADDISON***

Addison shivered. Snow flurried around her and she struggled to see. She crossed her arms, trying to protect herself from the bitter cold. She rotated in a small circle, squinting, observing the world around her trying to determine where she was. She saw the lake, now frozen over and the cottage with soft grey smoke coming up from the chimney. She was in the meadow.

"Addison you have to help me!" Grace suddenly appeared beside her, skin pale from the cold. "I'm so sorry, but she's gone, she's vanished."

"What happened?!" Addison asked suddenly panicked. There couldn't be dangers here like there was in the real world could there?

"She was at the wishing well, she overheard what you said to her father, and ran before I could stop her the storm came out of nowhere and separated us."

"What kind of care taker are you?" Addison asked, suddenly enraged. "She's TWO how fast could she possibly run?"

"It's different here." Grace mumbled. "We have to find her before it's too late. She is only protected here as long as there is a caretaker with her to keep the darkness away."

"We'll find her then." Addison promised. "We'll get to her first."

.

 ***ELLA***

Ella wandered through the trees towards the mountain opposite the lake. She stumbled over a root and fell on her hands and knees. Tears filled her eyes and she sat there for a moment. Shocked. Her hands and knees stinging from sudden contact with the wet, near frozen ground. She didn't know how long she had been gone, but her fury kept her tiny body moving. Now that she had fallen she was finding it harder to get back up as exhaustion began to sink in.

' _Ella you must never go into the woods beyond the wishing well.'_ Grace's words echoed in her head. _'It's not safe for you there.'_ Ella ignored the memory and forced herself to get back up. She looked around, she didn't know where she was going. Her goal was simple: to be as far away from the well as possible. She didn't think she would get lost.

"GRACE?!" She called loudly, but her voice was muted by the shrilling wind. She began to panic now. What if she never found her way back home? "GRACE HELP ME!" She shrieked, not understanding at her young age that screaming louder wouldn't help.

" _How could I NOT matter?"_ She thought to herself as she kicked a rock out of her way. She walked a bit farther, but she was cold, she was hungry, and she was tired. If only she could nap for a little while. Surely, she'd feel better? Right? Her eyes are growing heavy now as her pace slows. She stumbles again, and this time she doesn't get back up as her eyes close, and unable to contain her exhaustion she falls asleep.

Sometime later she wakes to something wet nudging her face and barking. _"Wake up little one, it is not safe for you here."_ She stirred in her sleep and tried to open her eyes, but they were blurry.

"Puppy." She asked in awe reaching her hand up to pet the wolf's black and grey flowing mane. It may have just been a figment of her imagination, but he looked like he was glowing.

' _My name is Poppy. Come with me, I'll keep you safe until your Caregiver finds you. She's with your Momma right now, they're looking for you.'_ His voice was delicate, like the flower he was named after. She held onto him for support and tried to stand up but her legs were so cold it hurt to move them. _'you've been chosen for a very important task.'_

Ella climbs up onto Poppy's back, wrapping her arms around his neck and resting her head on his. He walks slowly, but steadily under the additional weight of the child. Through the trees and further up the side of the mountain.

"I don't want Momma here. **I HATE HER**." Ella pouts. Poppy is so warm, like a heated blanket, she loosens her grip as his heat surged through her tiny body, rejuvenating her. She sits up and balances on his back, as if he were one of the majestic ponies that let her ride them in the meadow.

' _Everyone says things they don't mean sometimes little one.'_

"Why doesn't Momma love me anymore?"Ella asked, her bottom lip trembled. She wanted to pretend like she didn't care, but that pain was so new, so fresh, something she'd never experienced before. She didn't know how to block those feelings out.

' _Oh but she DOES love you Ella, more than you'll ever know.'_

 **.**

 ***ICU RECOVERY ROOM***

.

"I'm so sorry." Amelia whispers, taking Addison's limp hand, covered in IV wires into her own. She scooted the hospital chair closer to Addison's bed. Holding back the tears that were burning behind her eyes. She looks up at the monitors, Addison's stats are still weak, so weak. She had done everything right, it was a textbook operation. Addison had lost a substantial amount of blood during the operation, but that complication was easily counter acted with a blood transfusion. Once the bleeders were cauterized she was able to finish removing the clot and close without incident. She had checked and double checked everything. There is no medical reason she should be bottoming out like this. It was almost as if she had given up.

"When will she wake up?" Mark demands, bringing Amelia out of her thoughts, as she went over the operation from start to finish again and again in her head, certain she hadn't missed anything. "She's 8 hours post op, shouldn't she be awake by now?"

"Her brain needs time to heal Mark, brain surgery, especially one like this, isn't a walk in the park." Her voice was cattier than she intended it to be. Didn't he realize that she was hurting too? Didn't he realize the pressure that was thrown upon her when she got the call to operate on the person who might as well be her best friend? Her sister? Hurt flashed in his eyes before he responded.

"We don't _HAVE_ time Amelia." His heart ached as he looked down at Addison. "You must have made a mistake, done something wrong. Did you GORK her?" He accused, this time more directly.

"I did my best." Amelia countered, but her voice cracks.

"You made the choice to do the craniotomy, you went with the riskier procedure DESPITE knowing her medical history." His voice was rising.

"I did what I had to do. I did what I could to—" Anger was rising within her. Did he really think that she would risk Addison's life without cause?

"You could have chosen a safer way."

"It's ADDISON. She's my person. She's my responsibility. Not yours. Not anymore. You quit on her Mark. When Ella died YOU QUIT. How dare you waltz back into her life like your sheer presence is going to change everything! Like it's going to erase the trauma she's suffered at the hand of…"

"SHE left ME or did you forget?"

"Do you know what that's like? Do you know the amount of weight that is pressing down on me? If she had died…." Amelia breaks off running her hands angerly through her dark hair. "I know how to do one thing Mark. I am a screw up, the black sheep of the family, the recovering drug addict, I have failed at every single relationship I have ever had, but I am good at surgery. I am a brilliant surgeon. That's what I have to give to my people." Amelia gestured towards Addison, who remained just as still as ever on the bed. Mark softened a little, but not enough as he sat down beside Addison, rubbing her hand other hand with his fingers, fiddling with the IV's.

"If you did your job she'd be awake right now." He spat the words out. Toxic through his pain at the thought of losing Addison. "You're probably high right now."

"I was scared to death. The entire time I was scared to death. If I hadn't been here she would have died on that operating table. So, YOU don't get to lecture me. YOU don't get to accuse me, and YOU certainly do not get to fault me for not wanting to lose another family member. I did my best." She said, forcibly, confidently.

 ***ELLA***

"STOP!" Ella screamed, and slid down off the great wolf's back. "Do you hear that?"

' _Stay close'_ Poppy warned.

Ella turned her head sideways, listening carefully. "It's a baby crying!"

' _There are no babies in this land.'_ Poppy said dismissively. _'Come on we one, we must get you to safety before darkness falls.'_ Ella shook her head, listening again. There it was. She was sure of it. It was a baby. Was this the important task that she had been chosen for? Her heart was pulling her to fight for the one with the tiny cries. Maybe Poppy didn't know the details of the task she was supposed to do? She had a feeling so strong she couldn't explain. She NEEDED to find this baby.

"Well I guess there's one now." She said smartly. Her gloominess and anger at her momma's apparent betrayal momentarily forgotten at the idea of having someone to play with. She took off running towards the sound of the cries, but her little legs were nothing compared to the wolf's and he easily jumped in front of her, halting her before she could get herself lost again.

"Please Poppy?!" Her eyes grew large as she investigated the wolf's amber ones, a tiny pout in her expression. "It must be so afraid." At almost three she was already a master at getting her way. Not in a bratty way exactly, people just generally wanted to please her.

' _You're going the wrong way.'_ Poppy shook his head.

"Wait how do you know?" Ella stopped walking again.

' _Because many moons ago I brought Grace to you.'_

"YOU'RE THE ANGEL?" Ella asked, her eyes sparkling with recognition and wonder. Grace had told her a bedtime story about an angel who lead her through the mountains, and up to a cave where she found her sleeping in a basket, wrapped in a blanket and snuggling a stuffed bunny.

' _Something like that.'_ He sighed, almost sadly.

"So why don't you want to get the baby?" Ella asked stomping her feet in frustration.

' _The baby's girl is not my assignment, you are and we have to-'_

"We have to make sure she's safe too! What if the baby is MY assignment?" Ella shrieked insistently, plopping herself down on the ground and flat out refusing to move despite the frozen ground beneath her. She wasn't sure where this was coming from or WHY she was so insistent on seeing this baby, but she knew, in her heart that they had to find her. "Take me to her NOW!" She demanded.

.

 ***ADDISON's HOSPITAL ROOOM***

"She's seizing!" Amelia shouted as Addison's body began suddenly having a tonic-colonic seizure. Mark pressed the emergency button on the wall and Amelia laid the hospital bed down flat, moving it to its lowest position. "Help me get her onto her side!" She instructed Mark and together they managed to move her in a way that didn't interfere with the machines keeping her alive. "It's OK Addison we've got you." She soothed, before a separate set of monitors started going haywire.

"Amelia her stats are dropping." Mark pointed out, panicked. The emergency team of nurses came in and pushed the medication Amelia ordered. Within a minute the seizure had stopped, but her stats were lower than ever. "Her BP and O2 are crashing."

"We have to wait it out." Amelia said, irritated.

"Can't you order more medicine? Different medicine?" Mark asked, not taking his eyes off the monitors.

"I guess if I wanted to assist on her suicide mission I could." Amelia answered bitterly after dismissing the nurses from the room. "She's maxed out and not responding to the medication. If she's" Her voice breaks, a mixed emotion of fear and anger and guilt. "If she's given up there's nothing I can do." She threw the chart she was holding across the room in anger.

"Put her in a medically induced coma. It worked before it will work again. She just needs time." Mark insisted, flashing back just for a second to Addison laying battered and bruised in the hospital bed after the car accident "You have to fight for her Amelia, since when do you give up?." Mark demanded.

"She can't handle it Mark, she's weaker this time."

"We have to try! You're doing nothing is going to kill her."

"Me intervening might very well kill her! The paralyzing agent alone…."

"What are you not telling me?" Mark stresses, their eyes lock. He knows there is something eating her alive. "You NEVER back down from a fight!"

"Addison signed a DNR. If her heart stops legally I _can't_ save her."

"You're lying. She would never!" Mark exclaimed, sure, so positive that she was wrong, but the look on her face told him she was being anything but deceitful. "When?"

"After Ella died, she went back to Derek." Her eyes were somber, it hurt her to say his name. He was her big brother. She was supposed to be able to look up to him. Instead he was anything but the role model. Her face pale she was thinking about that day. It was years ago, but when she looked down at Addison it seemed as if it was only yesterday.

"What happened?"

"He hurt her, and I found her in a hotel room with a gun." She takes a deep breath and begins to tell Mark the story of that night.

 ***FLASHBACK***

"Addison please don't do this." Amelia tried to keep her voice calm, steady as she took a tiny step towards Addison, who was sitting on the side of the bed with a gun pressed to her temple. "You're hurting, what can I do to help?" Red blood was soaking the long-sleeved bathrobe Addison was wearing. Amelia didn't have to see her wrists to know she had been cutting again.

"There's nothing you _can_ do." Addison said, quietly. Her voice was calm. Numb. "You can't bring Ella back." Her chest was hard and engorged swollen with milk meant for a baby who she never even got to meet. Her heart ached as she mentioned Ella's name. "You can't make HIM love me." He says he hits her because he loves her. He wants her to be better. To improve herself as a reflection of him. If only she was thinner, or smarter. If only she could manage to keep the house spotless and dinner on the table by 6 even though she knew she was not allowed to eat until he got home, and he was rarely ever home by then while still juggling her 50-70-hour work weeks. If only she could give him a child. Maybe he would love her if they had a baby together. This thought stabs her in the heart as she thinks of her sweet Ella. The baby she wanted. With the man she wants to love. Why did she even go back? Why couldn't she just stay and work through it. _Because Ella is gone, and I am a failure._ She reminds herself.

"No….."Amelia swallowed hard to keep from crying, thinking of the funeral and the unbelievably tiny beautiful baby girl they were mourning. Her little niece, her Ella Bunny. "I can't bring her back." Amelia agreed, one tiny step at a time. "I can't make my idiot of a big brother realize how you are the BEST thing that's ever happened to him, but I can stay with you."

"Why would you do that?" Addison asked, absent mindedly moving her finger on and off the trigger, and rubbing circles on the smooth metal barrel making Amelia cringe and a chill run up her spine with every single finger movement, expecting at any second to hear the blast that means that Addison, just like her father, would be gone forever. The circumstances completely different, but her hatred for the tiny metal weapon of death the same.

"Because I think you're in trouble Addison." One step. "Because I love you and I'm worried about you." Two steps. "Because we're family and family look out for each other." Amelia is standing right in front of Addison now. She had to fight down the urge to grab the weapon from Addison's grasp and toss it out the window of this 52-foot building they were in. She took a deep breath, swallowed hard again.

"Amelia, I swear to God if you don't back up I'll…." Her stomach was still cramping and painful from the C-Section and placental abruption. She grimace's and bites her lip to hold back tears of pain as she breathes too deeply causing her incision to burn like someone was touching her with a branding iron.

"You'll what?" Amelia asked stubbornly, but concern for pain Addison is in overriding that, her voice melts. "You were in a horrific accident. You just had major surgery. You just got released from the hospital after being in a medically induced coma for days. You can barely walk. I have a feeling I'm not the one who's really in danger here."

Something snapped in Addison then, hands trembling, she turns the gun on Amelia, who went very still, narrowing her eyes at Addison.

"This isn't the first time a gun has been pulled on me, and it probably won't be the last." She said in an offhand joking manner, laughing nervously. She puts her hands up though an act of surrender. "I'm not going to hurt you Addison…." She said gently. "I would never hurt you, but you need medical attention."

"I was supposed to be dead by the time you got here." Addison coughs and tears fall from her eyes as she closes her eyes tightly from the pain this causes. She is pretty sure she has a broken rib. Derek had not been very graceful about her return.

"You're hurting." Amelia says again, acknowledging Addison's pain, both physical and emotionally. She hated having to be the strong one. It's such a role reversal. All her life ADDISON has been the one who was strong, brave, fearless, indestructible. "Give me the gun Addison." She says firmly.

"I'll…. I'll shoot you too." Addison says, but her voice is wavering. She was tired. Just SO TIRED. Anger flashes in her expression when Amelia smirks. "What you don't believe me?"

"I don't believe you want to kill me anymore than I believe you want to kill yourself."

"You're wrong."

"No I'm not Addison."

"You don't know me."

"I DO know you. I know that you're scared and you're crying for help. If you really wanted to kill yourself, you'd have quietly slipped away into the night. You wouldn't have called for help, calling for help was brave, and it shows you don't want to die."

"I can't…. I just can't." Numb. Cold. Finality. Empty.

"You will get through this. I promise." Amelia whispers, and Addison breaks down, lowering the gun, Amelia quickly takes out the magazine and moves both away from Addison before sitting down on the bed beside her.

"Please don't tell Derek." Addison begs weakly. Resting her head against Amelia who takes her into her arms. "I just want to die. I need to be with Ella."

"I know you do and that hurt, it will never go away, but we'll work through it together. Everything is going to be OK...I promise. We're in this together."

 ***END FLASHBACK***

 **AUTHORS NOTE** :

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read Chapter 16 of Breaking Free.

Sorry this chapter kind of abruptly ended but I was beginning to creep myself out and I do not creep out easily, (seriously proven by the rest of the stuff I have written in this story) so that's a good sign a chapter needs to end. All kind of feelies with Addison and fearless Amelia (love her blind trust that Addison wouldn't actually hurt her, and her impulsivity though.)


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